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Re: No, no I don't hate him, Mair, sorry, I'm sorry

Posted by Susan47 on February 6, 2005, at 23:04:47

In reply to Re: No, no I don't hate him, Mair, sorry, I'm sorry Susan47, posted by mair on February 6, 2005, at 19:30:11

I never knew or maybe I never acknowledged that I had those feelings until the thread that brought it home so hard. Maybe my therapist didn't know that either. He said a few times he got the impression that I didn't think I was as good as him, or something. That made me angry, because I always knew I was and am as good as him. I never had the opportunities he had, or I would certainly have gone farther and been better. It was the lack of opportunity and fulfillment that angered me so much, and I just got in touch with that anger and I thought about it all day yesterday, just a depressing shock to me. I feel a monster inside myself. It made me behave like a monster and I didn't even realize.. it would be nice if I were exaggerating. But I don't think I am. I was crazy with jealousy. This is stuff I have to work out, I have to bring it up to my new therapist this week. It absolutely cannot wait. Jealousy and anger, anger over being blunted over a lifetime. Stopped from being myself. I know this isn't unusual, but the extent to which I allowed myself to be controlled by feeling inadequate, that has to be fixed. Thank you for your kindness. I know my problems aren't the same as many others here, and sometimes I feel selfish for being so self-involved. I just want the pain to stop, this is where I reach out. :]




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