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update -- i always do/say the opposite

Posted by shrinking violet on January 21, 2005, at 19:14:15

In reply to i don't want a new T, posted by shrinking violet on January 20, 2005, at 17:46:58

I do what I always do when something about a session upsets me: I either cancel the next session or I quit for good.

Yesterday I blew off my nutritionist appt. I'm not clear why, but after Tuesday's session any motivation I had to at least attempt to eat in the event it was helping my mood went out the window, so I figure why waste my nut's time. I did email her on Tue, telling her I was having a hard time and was thinking of skipping my appt, but apparently my not showing up still caused some concern. She left a message for me last night and told me to email her and she also gave me her home number and asked me to leave a message to let her know I was ok. I did neither. I'm not sure why; that's usually not like me. So this morning my T calls and left a message for me, saying she's concerned and she's looking for me and to please call her. I didn't. So then she calls my work looking for me (I hadn't gotten there yet, I was still home) and then she calls my sister and leaves a message on her phone. So my sis calls me and says my T is worried, looking for me. I didn't want to involve my sister so I picked up the phone, said that they were just overreacting to a missed nutritionist appt yesterday and I had my sis call my T back to tell her I was at least alive. Then it was quiet the rest of the emails or calls from my T to ask what's going on. Nothing. Later this afternoon I felt badly about worrying them, so I emailed my nut and T and apologized and just told them I need "some space" and I told my T I wouldn't be there next Tue. Neither of them emailed or called, which I guess shouldn't surprise me since the "space" thing probably solidified that I wanted to be left alone. But I don't, not at all; being left alone is actually the opposite of what I want / need right now. :-( In fact, I think it's my problem.

I don't know why I do this....Instead of going to T and telling her why a session upset me, or at least try to figure it out *with* her, I run from it and don't say anything. Part of me wants to go in her office and drop to my knees and sob and ask her WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME and WHY CAN'T SHE FIX IT after almost TWO YEARS and I DON'T WANT HER TO LEAVE ME. But I couldn't say any of that. Ever. It just wouldn't come out. But it wants to so desperately. It's stuck in my throat, it sits in my stomach, it crawls in my chest....but there is stays.

I don't know what to do. :-(

Thanks for listening.





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poster:shrinking violet thread:444799