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Re: stuck thewrite1

Posted by daisym on January 18, 2005, at 0:46:55

In reply to stuck, posted by thewrite1 on January 17, 2005, at 16:57:33

<<<<<I'm at a critical point in my life right now where things just seem to be spinning out of control. I want to call her and tell her that I just can't do this life thing anymore. It's just too stressful. On the other hand, I feel I can't count on her. I'm far too dependent on her and it's not fair. I don't even want to be dependent on her. And then I feel like I can't be. I left my session saying to her, "Please don't leave me." She said she was there for me during sessions and if I needed to talk between sessions. I don't feel right about calling and I don't know what I'd say if I did. I don't even know what I'm trying to say here.

*****I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face. I think I know exactly what you are trying to say here. I wrote in my journal last week,

"Being disconnected left me alone. Being alone makes me bereft. Being bereft makes me want to cling to you. Being clingy makes me want to yank myself back. Yanking myself back makes me feel disconnected. And we are back at the beginning."

I'm completely aware that the younger parts of me want it to be OK to need my therapist. They missed out on being cared for. AND the stories that have been held in for so long are pouring out. But it is important for some reason that someone else witness these stories and help hold the emotions. I need my therapist to be that person. The adult has lots of hard things to deal with too. But she is the one that hates that word dependency.

I read what you wrote about being 31 and shouldn't need anyone. What does that mean? We all need someone, and different people fulfill different needs for us at different times. I think perhaps we have to step back and say, "pathological" dependency might mean not being able to make daily decisions without our therapists input. or lead to obsessions and poor choices and boundary crossings. I don't think either of us are there. Perhaps it would help us both to realize that we are making a choice to let someone see our emotional pain and try to help us with it.

I think you also might be feeling a reawakening of attachment that younger age states need. And if you didn't have a really secure relationship with at least one careprovider, you may exhibit insecure attachment behaviors. This would explain a lot about wanting more contact and support right now. Perhaps you can try to replace the word "dependency" in your vocabulary with something less loaded.

I don't know if any of this helps. I've struggled so hard with this for over a year. I'm pretty sure at this point there is no right or wrong answer or level of support from a therapist. But it is the same debate that rages over whether to comfort an infant or let them learn to self-soothe. I think we think we need to self-soothe, but perhaps we need a little help doing that right now.

I hope you call her tomorrow.




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