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Re: I've drafted an email, will try not to send crushedout

Posted by 10derheart on January 17, 2005, at 14:38:41

In reply to Re: I've drafted an email, will try not to send gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on January 17, 2005, at 14:04:52

Crushed,

I don't think there's anything bad about your email draft. It's pretty *tame* considering your difficult history and the intense feelings you've had for this person. IF (and I'm not really advocating either way) you did send it, it sounds just direct and invites dialog, nothing more. I like your restraint, actually.

Having said that, the fact you can think through your deeper motivations, all the way to the fact that, in the end, you miss intimacy, is awesome. It really is. It takes some people - in and out of therapy - years to ever be able to have that type of clear insight into themselves. Seems simple, maybe, once we're on that *level*, but for some I know (and according to my old and new Ts) they have a heck of a time ever getting there, past all the defenses and resistance, etc.

I think what it may mean for you (me too) is that we'll ultimately have to find a way to focus on gaining intimacy from others, tiny bit by bit. Not from old Ts (whether they were *train wrecks* or not), even though we get so darn stuck back in those relationships. Reliving them, rehashing them, doubting ourselves, etc. Of course, for you, it's really different, because you suffered far, far too much from her issues and blurry boundaries. I remember the pain in your emails back then, believe me. But the tough thing must be, I know, that she's certainly not all bad - she had wonderful qualities, too. (Dang them, anyway!!)

My old T. wrote me something once kind of along these lines. He said how great it is that human beings can become connected to each other on such a fundamental, deep level, but that it's even more wonderful to know that after one separation happens, another *great bond* will come along, if we can just be patient. I know in my head he's probably right, that's the healthy, optimistic, mature, philisophical truth, BUT...there are all the doubts and fears. When? With whom? Another T? (Arghhhh, scream and run) A significant other? A friend? Who knows?

And we're NOT patient, and it's not like we can go stand in the street and announce, "Excuse me, world, I lost someone I was close to, I feel impatient, sad and lonely. I need intimacy and I need it NOW!!" I wish. I'd be the first one out there yelling.

I'm rambling terribly. Guess I can't offer much *advice* but to say keep up that deep thinking you do about your own needs - it's so great to be able to do that. Also, IMO, you sound upset and on the roller coaster, BUT, not as desparate and impulsive as you were before. That seems good.

Baby steps, baby steps. Grow a bit, slip back, deep breath. Keep trying. Keep Babbling. Try to remember if you have the capacity to be so close with one person, it *can* happen again. Keep fighting for what's best for Crushed.
((crushed)) -10der

 

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poster:10derheart thread:443188
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050117/msgs/443214.html