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Re: about having a dx or not

Posted by Camille Dumont on January 5, 2005, at 10:40:57

In reply to about having a dx or not, posted by terrics on January 2, 2005, at 10:43:36

As others have stated, its a double-edged sword.

For me it was very liberating but also a rather arduous journey. After some freak out side effects from meds I've always insisted on seeing the psychiatrists reports so I did see all the labels that were slapped on me. In order or appearance it was

1. Adjustment disorder with depressive features
2. Major depressive disorder
3. Major depressive disorder with psychotic features
4. Chronic depression with psychotic features
5. Schizoid personality disorder & Major depression

Now for the bad part, I kept seeing the diagnosis getting "heavier" and more scary which was not the most uplifting thing in the world. It also meant that they kept trying stronger meds including antipsychotics and frankly I kept feeling more depressed and more suicidal and even started to self-injure. It felt hopeless ... especially when my doctor stated that I should take the ADs for the rest of my life.

But then came the last diagnosis and I read what it is, I saw the symptoms, the defense mechanisms used, the habits, etc and I couldn't helpt but think : OMG THATS ME! THAT IS HOW I THINK! I ACT EXACTLY LIKE THAT FOR THOSE PRECISE REASONS!

This is going to sound strange but finally realising what was "wrong" with me was very liberating in that I understood why I was depressed, why I had what people called psychotic symptoms, why I felt so socially ackward, why I loved solitude and had trouble relating to people, etc.

Now it didn't "cure" me and in fact its a bit unnerving to think that you have "something" that basically will never go away but at the same time it gave me an understanding of how I function mentally and it helped me understand my feelings, my urges, my quirks. I would say that it has also helped me accept myself more, just the way I am ... with my "eccentric personality" and in a way it has helped me stop fighting it. Now that I understand, its not that I've given up but rather I've ceased to try to fix "me" to fit a life that others deem "normal" and now I fix my life so that it fits "me" with my SPD.

But again, a dx also carries a stigma. I think SPD is very badly named in that people automatically equate it with schizophrenia and of course full blown psychotic episodes which really has nothing to do with SPD so I only mention it to people very very close to me whom I know will understand.

For me it was positive but again, the stigma and the fact that its hard to get rid of a given label might make it a negative experience for others.




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poster:Camille Dumont thread:436755