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update - such a mess

Posted by messadivoce on December 9, 2004, at 1:17:16

In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*) 10derheart, posted by messadivoce on December 8, 2004, at 1:16:51

Well, I had my session with my new T today and we discussed my old T a lot as usual. I had sent her the last e-mail I got from him that felt like a brush off, and she appeared really frustrated with me. She literally threw her hands in the air and exclaimed, "Well, he SAID you could e-mail him!" Well, yes he did, but he said a lot of other things too that are not happening now.

She suggested that the reason I want contact with him is because I'm having trouble internalizing the work we did together, and that I feel I need contact with him to continually affirm myself. Ugh.

In all fairness, she did say that termination with him was premature and that it probably would have been better if we would have had the time to work through all that mucky transference. She also said that if I unraveled a lot of the problems I have with my dad, she felt like the issues with my old T would resolve themselves. Okay, true, and probably the most productive thing she said all session. Makes me feel like there's a way out of this.

But basically I feel like I'm not moving on fast enough for her and she's getting frustrated with this issue that doesn't seem to have an end in sight.

Her demenour really made me withdraw into my little shell that my old T worked so hard to get me out of. I wonder if she's annoyed with me? Is she mad because I miss my old T so much and obviously don't have the same strong feelings for her that I did him? I feel like a horrible client, both to my old T and my new one.

By the end of the session I had a royal headache from all the tears I couldn't cry that had amassed behind my eyes. I came home, ate spaghetti, and sobbed it all out to my very understanding boyfriend. I still have a headache, the post-crying kind. For what it's worth, I haven't cried at all since March. That can't be healthy for me. :-(




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