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Re: More about Falls' anxiety daisym

Posted by fallsfall on December 8, 2004, at 8:58:36

In reply to Re: More about Falls' anxiety, posted by daisym on December 7, 2004, at 20:16:49

> <<< told him about two friends, who I had no patience for this weekend. They each have a problem that they really don't want to face. I usually try to be patient and gentle with them - just trying to put the idea out (again) that they need to face their issues, and I try to understand that they just aren't ready to do that yet, and I try to understand their pain with the ongoing issue. This weekend, I was painfully blunt with both of them. And I said to my therapist "So what is it that *I'm* not willing to face?"
> >>>No one has unlimited patience for other people and their issues. Like most things, we can see solutions for others, we can see the path they should walk and we might even see the potential pitfalls along the way and want to warn them. What we can't see are the ghosts that walk the path with that person; we don't know what is being whispered in their ear and we can't feel the irrational fear that keeps them frozen and unable to make changes. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes blunt is a necessary evil.
*** It wasn't so much that I thought being blunt was wrong. What was "interesting" was that I felt so impatient with them. I had NO tolerance for their inability to "see" what needed to be done. It was so clear to me (and to my therapist) that the reaction I was having towards them was the reaction I was having towards myself. That I had not tolerance for my *own* hiding, my own talking around things, my own avoidance. I was treating them in the way that I felt *I* needed to be treated: stop being nice and sympathetic, get down to the work, face what needs to be faced. And my therapist (obligingly) performed the role that I needed.
> I like your metaphor too. And I think describing feelings and fears without metaphors is really, really hard. For me, I have very little practice expressing my own needs and fears so I NEED something to help me. Besides, rarely are metaphors wrong. I worry that when I say something straight out that I'm going to wrong.

*** This is why I love you so much, Daisy. This is exactly the problem. If I say it straight out I'm going to be wrong. I'll finally get the courage up to say what I think and I'll be wrong. If I say that I'll never be able to support myself, he'll say that I can if I want to - and then I'll be an idiot (note, I didn't say "feel like an idiot" - I said "BE an idiot") because I'm trying to get off easy, not do the hard work, give up. If I say that I'll do what I need to do to get to a place where I *can* support myself, then he'll say things like "What will happen if you start working again, but crash again?" or "Can you imagine a future where you *don't* work fulltime?" and I'll think that he sees that I don't have the capability to support myself and feel so stupid because I can't see this myself.

There. That is the concrete.

And I hate to be wrong. Worse, sometimes saying things out loud makes them real. REALLY real. And naming stuff means dealing with it, perhaps changing and change is often painful and hard.
> I'm glad you feel like he pushed you the right amount. But I'm sorry you are struggling so much. At least this was on Monday and you have a couple of more tries to talk things out before the weekend. I'm sure he recognizes how hard this is and will guide you so that the anxiety doesn't overwhelm you.
> This is old advice, but valuable - try letting yourself just write free flow. Or if writing isn't working, turn on a tape recorder and just talk out loud. It is amazing what can come out. Even if you just write down all the questions that keep popping up. Because the questions are the path...
> (((Fallsfall)))

Thanks for the hugs, Daisy.




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