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Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*) 10derheart

Posted by messadivoce on December 8, 2004, at 1:16:51

In reply to Re: makes me feel worse(long/* trigger*), posted by 10derheart on December 7, 2004, at 19:08:29

Thanks for your thoughtful reply, 10derhearted. I appreciate that you acknowledge that this is not easy. It's such a long tedious process.

You asked about my new T. She's a woman about my mother's age (late 40s). I like her but I don't feel an extraordinary attachment to her at this time. I don't think she's a "trigger" for me. What seems to get me are those kind men with that fatherly way about them.

My old T was 13 years older than me (I'm 22) so not old enough to be my dad but he most certainly filled that roll for a long time. It took me a long time to trust him, but once I did I trusted him with everything. I don't know if I'll ever trust another man like that again. Sometimes I try to talk to him like he's listening. I ask him, why did you leave? Where did you go? And I plead with him to come back. Even though I know the answers I still ask why.

My new T is less intense. I think my old T was more clued in on emotional holding, because I realized very late into the game that he had been holding me all along with his voice, his eyes and his heart as well. My new T makes less eye contact. Silences are awkward. With my old T, more was communicated with silence than in words sometimes. But I don't always feel like I'm being held by my new T. I feel like I'm out on a limb by myself.

I feel like I have written a bunch of nonesense. But thank you all for responding. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers as some of you experience this same difficult transition...




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