Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Posted by crushedout on December 6, 2004, at 23:49:51

Things have been mostly good. I think about the old T a lot lately, and I get that wonderful, druglike feeling I got when she called me last Monday. I'm not sure what that's all about but I think there are at least a few things going on:

1. I know I hurt her and that mean she cares, which makes me feel good.

2. I feel like the power has shifted back into my hands. I like that.

3. I no longer envy her like I used to -- I actually feel sorry for her. This is a nice change.

4. [I know this is messed up but] I think now we have a better chance of actually becoming lovers than we did when she was my T. Especially because she's got so many issues and I abandoned her -- that always makes a person [i.e., me] more enticing. Now, I ask myself, why on earth would I want to go out with this crazy, manipulative, married with child, bad therapist? I don't know. I just like her so much. I just want her bad. I can't explain it.

I've been feeling good about my decision to end treatment with her, even after getting her email, which I didn't post here (anyone want to see it? I'll post it -- with pseudonyms of course -- if so). And today I saw terminator 2, er T2, and we had a pretty good session, talking about most of the above. And then when I got home I felt compelled to send the old T another email, kind of just to be mean. I wanted to let her know that she got some stuff wrong in the email she sent me. [Jeez Louise I'm babbling incoherently. This cannot go anywhere good. To post or not to post? Always the question.] That was satisfying. I think I'm on a sadistic power trip right now.

Then I left my house and got a piece of mail from the old T. I got scared and mad that it was a bill for the session I cancelled 10 minutes late last week, but it wasn't. It was an insurance check accidentally made out to her. She had endorsed it, wrote, "best, [Ellen]" on a hot pink sticky note, and mailed it to me in an envelope with a really nice stamp from her home town. (Not that I was paying attention.) Suddenly I missed her so much. Now I'm thinking, "Did I really do the right thing? Maybe I should go back." WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??????




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