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Re: Leaving (trigger) daisym

Posted by antigua on December 6, 2004, at 9:46:04

In reply to Leaving (trigger) fallsfall, posted by daisym on December 4, 2004, at 20:35:19

Here we go again, Daisy, on a similar path. I just had to write.

I was never allowed to leave my room at night either, and I never, never would have gone into my parents' room uninvited. Nobody was allowed to leave their room, probably so that my father could roam unobserved.

My mother never went on trips when I was young, unless she went to the hospital to have a new baby. Once, my father allowed her a weekend away w/his mother. I know that abuse took place that weekend and I remember longing and waiting for her return so he would stop--I thought she'd never come home. I can still remember that it felt like months before she came home.

When my father left for good, my mother fell apart completely (she was unable to even get out of bed and would slide money under the door for me to buy groceries) and I had to care for my two younger brothers. I thought my father was punishing me by leaving me--that I hadn't done what he wanted (I wasn't good enough) and he had left me. Of course, he had left my mother really. And, of course, it was my fault he had left, so it was my also my fault that my mother was in such bad shape.

So, I came to believe that abuse was better than abandonment.

Geez, what a mess. I have been dealing w/these feelings most of my life.
antigua


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poster:antigua thread:423649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041203/msgs/425202.html