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Re: Diversifying my Portfolio (long) Aphrodite

Posted by daisym on December 5, 2004, at 15:13:38

In reply to Diversifying my Portfolio (long), posted by Aphrodite on December 5, 2004, at 7:21:39

>>>Sometimes the bottom falls out. It did for me right before Thanksgiving, and I haven't seen a recovery. My wounded side received further wounds from life events. I withdrew and didn't tell him. He couldn't read my mind, so he's under the assumption I am necessarily needing to return to old ways of coping by letting my highly functional but inwardly devastating inner critic run my life right now. He's been very distant. The young parts of me are mute, under the tyranny of the adult, cyncial part, and they feel abandoned. All that healing connection I have had with him seems to be lost for now. I tried to tell him this when he called on an unrelated matter Friday, but he didn't seem to understand. My demeanor wasn't matching my message, and I think it was lost on him.

<<<I think I wrote this passage up above! But you said it yourself, he can't read your mind -- so you HAVE to try to keep telling him. It is easy for us to give just enough information to throw them off track. They think the rupture has healed, or is healing and we wonder why they aren't trying harder to re-engage us. Feeling abandoned is the worst feeling, at least for me, because I go to the place where I tell myself that it was inevitable and it is my own fault for letting my guard down. And I'm usually very embarrassed about how childish I feel. So Pride takes over and I make myself "look" OK. And then I feel sort of outraged that my therapist doesn't always see through me. (OK, most of the time he does.)

I promised myself that I would try to be as honest as possible in therapy. This promise has served me well several times, even if it takes me a while to remember it. Because making myself be honest makes me tell him the stuff that I'm simultaneously trying to hide. "I'm upset but trying not to be." Last week I told him I was terrified that he would get sick of me because I was acting like a Nutcase, bouncing between extremes of dependency. He laughed and said, "Yeah, God forbid I have any nutcases in therapy." When you are at a fairly calm place, try to make this promise to yourself. It is the thing that moves me past pride.

>>>Reliable books and music: For self-comfort, I have a basket by my bed of readings and music that speak to me and give me hope: poems by Mary Oliver; "Everyday Grace", music by Enya for relaxing and other music for energy and of course, my journal for getting all that inward chaos out on paper where I can make some sense of it or laugh at the absurdity of my jumbled thoughts.

<<<These are my primary coping mechanisms, except for working. But recently I figured out that I needed to not limit myself to soothing choices but to also reach for some upbeat or humorous things. My teens have discovered Journey so we had that on a lot during Thanksgiving. I forgot how it makes me dance around the kitchen and sing out loud. I dug out my Dire Straits album (gasp - vinyl!) and Greg Kihn too. Same with books. I picked up George Carlen's new book and I'm enjoying it. I'm actually NOT researching psychotherapy at the moment, and I think that is good. (I'm sure I'll start up again.)

>>>Trying to connect spiritually. I am very confused religiously, but we do attend a church that I am not very involved in because I get hung up on some of the policies, beliefs, etc. I've decided to try to get what I can out of it. I'm even toying with the idea of letting the minister know, or at least putting myself on the prayer list anonymously.

<<<I think this is a great idea. I really believe in the power of prayer. For me, Church has never been about the rules or policies, but it was the one constant in my life. No matter where we moved, the Mass was always the same. I could count on it. Being in Church right now gets hard for me, I get so emotional. My therapist asked me awhile back if I was mad at God for what happened to me. I said no, I believe in free will. But I moved away from that very quickly and we haven't gone back to the discussion. So there is something there. Mostly I sit and talk to God and I just sort of shrug my shoulders and say, "OK, what are you trying to teach me from all of this? I'm obviously a slow learner." I start everyday with the same prayer, "God, please don't let anything bad happen today." *sigh* But praying got me through some really dark nights when I absolutely didn't know what else to do with all the pain.

>>>It doesn't seem to take the place of when I am on the right track with my T, but it's better than being at a complete loss.

<<<This is really true. Therapists aren't meant to take the place of real life supports. But my therapist reminded me that he needs to be put back on the call list because support isn't a case of this or that...but rather it should be this AND that. And it is OK to have several levels of depth in your support system. You probably don't want everyone to know everything you tell your therapist, and you probably don't tell your therapist about the bargain shoes you bought last week. But sharing little joys is important. I think sometimes when therapy is intense and overwhelming, we forget how to have "normal" conversations with people. We don't want to "waste" time on small talk, it feels empty and meaningless. But with drawing into ourselves is isolating and can deepen the depression.

Anything else in your portfolios?

My children. I find I do so much better when I make time for them to share their day with me or when I take them along for ordinary things like grocery shopping. I loved watching them put up the tree and squabble about whose ornaments went where. Some things never change! Do things with your little guy like craft shows, looking at Holiday decorations, etc. His joy will be infectious.

Hang in there! It will get better. Please let me know how you are doing.




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