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Leaving (trigger) fallsfall

Posted by daisym on December 4, 2004, at 20:35:19

In reply to Re: Relationship ReBuilding (very long) daisym, posted by fallsfall on December 3, 2004, at 12:50:41

>>>Do you think that your dad left because he was sick of you?

<<<<<My initial response when I read this was, "yes, I'm sure he did." But I held off because I wanted to think about it some more. But it still feels true. The abuse was escalating, at same time the problems between my parents were getting worse and worse, and my mom was home less and less. So he moved out for a while, but not away, so we visited on weekends. And of course, the abuse continued. Then I got sick and was actually quarantined for a few weeks and during that time, he moved across the country. And I didn't see him for 4 years. To my 12 year old brain, he finally saw how bad I was to let him do these things to me and/or I made him feel so bad about himself for doing them, that he had to get away from me.

The adult me sees the rational possibility of parents getting divorced due to marital problems and a job change that took him away.

So in therapy, the 12 year is terrified that her therapist is going to hear one too many graphic stories and finally come to see how bad she is and "leave." (Leaving could be him telling me not to come anymore, referring me to someone else, you name it.)

The other thing is that my very first memory of the sa was when I was 7 and my mom was really sick and in the hospital. I didn't know where she was and in the middle of the night I got out of my bed (a big no no) and went into my parent's room (another no no) and ended up in bed with my dad. I was really scared of the dark and felt very secure to be with him.(How confusing sa is for small children is a different topic.) My mother would never have allowed this. But then she didn't come home for 2 months (she was still in the hospital) and right then and there I knew that being bad made people go away.

My therapist is aware of these conclusions I've drawn and he nudges them gently. But mostly he just repeats "the rules in here are different. It is OK to cry and I'm not going to leave you."

As I write all this, I shake my head yet again and think, "This happened 30 years ago or more. I should be able to untangle these irrational old fears from my present day relationships." Even thought I can see it, I just can't do it yet.

So it is very, very important to me that the falls keep falling.




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