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Re: response not visible shortelise

Posted by daisym on October 3, 2004, at 15:35:02

In reply to response not visible Daisym, posted by shortelise on October 3, 2004, at 15:05:19

Weird! I did see your response but I have no idea why it isn't showing on the main list. A glitch, I guess.

I know you are further along than I am in your therapy. My therapist points out how strong I am, but he works hard to get me to let him help me. Especially the younger parts of me. I guess I haven't crossed the street yet. I hope when I do, I can leave my youngest self with my therapist and go on without having to take care of her. I'll have memories but not her driving need. The intensity of the need scares me sometimes, I think "no wonder I was abused. Look at the signals I must have been sending." Now, my rational mind can argue with this, but my heart of heart wonders.

My latest dream is very revealing. I've been sleeping maybe 3 hours a night, due to workload and intrusive memories. In it I dream that I went into a session and asked my therapist to put me in the hospital for a week, just to rest. That I was exhausted from trying to be normal and to keep quiet all the voices in my head. He refused, said I was doing well enough, better than I thought actually. But I still hadn't learned to just accept "good enough." So I nodded like a good girl, said I would keep trying and left. And in the dream what I knew I hadn't told him was that my husband had slapped me. But I had a black eye and still he didn't ask about it, didn't notice. So, I drove to the bridge and jumped off. I woke up before I hit. But, I was still dreaming though, because the next thing I remember, I was in the hospital and my therapist was there saying he couldn't help me if I didn't tell him how bad I was really feeling. That I didn't need to hurt myself to get into the hospital. And in the dream I heard all the voices, one saying I was sorry, I would try harder; one saying I did try to tell you how bad I was feeling, you didn't listen; and one saying to just go away, I needed to sleep.

It was weird and vivid and I hope medication induced. AND, I don't really want to tell him about it because it will lead right to the discussion about the push/pull I have with him and with therapy. And I'm sure he is very tired of that discussion.

 

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