Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Mystery solved, I suppose

Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 21:42:42

Some of you remember that my therapist once had a real problem with my dependence on him. He denied it of course, but my radar with him is pretty good and I would press him on it. Maybe that was rude of me. Maybe it's none of my business what he thought about me.

It all came to a head one evening session when the clinic was closed, and I think he had put in a full day's work and was seeing me for an emergency session. I guess he was tired. The place was quiet. And he finally blurted out that he had always had a problem with dependent women and why. And he told me it had nothing to do with me, it was his issue, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. Like I couldn't. :) But I appreciated his finally being honest because his denying it felt like gaslighting.

Shortly after that time, he quit resisting my dependence. He quit *feeling* like he didn't like it. I have no idea if he actually quit disliking it, but he quit telegraphing it. I mentioned his admission from time to time and he neither denied it nor repeated his admission.

Yesterday we were having a big fight over his refusal to help me go back to where I was before, when I didn't consider life worth living as it was now. And he kept insisting that he just didn't know *how* to help me go back. That change was always forward. But I knew that was a lie. He'd help me do something he thought was a good thing, even if he wasn't sure how to go about it. We'd explore together. He was making a value judgement that going forward was better than going back.

At one point while trying to determine if his resistance was because he didn't like being my therapist mommy, I reminded him that he used to dislike my dependence and then he quit disliking it. And he acknowledged the truth of that and asked something along the lines of why I thought that was. He laughed so hard when I replied with simple surprise that I had assumed he had sought supervision.

He said that he had just decided to quit needing me to change and to accept me just as I was. He said it helped him feel like he was actually doing something because he realized that change couldn't take place without complete acceptance.

So that's the story of why. He didn't seek supervision after all. He just had a moment of insight. Kudos to him for being able to consistently act on that moment of insight.

I asked him if he could start not accepting it again, so I could go back. But he said that wouldn't work. That we couldn't pretend we hadn't built a relationship since that time. :(

But now I have to figure out ways to move in a backward direction. I finally got him to agree to go along with my plans, but he said he didn't know how to make any suggestions on his own.

Liar. He is still making a value judgement. :(




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poster:Dinah thread:397645