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UNremarkable big people; rod

Posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 8:58:33

In reply to Re: Remarkable big people Speaker, posted by 64bowtie on September 29, 2004, at 0:48:17


I have always had a problem with this exalting of "big people".

Such a rotten counterproductive thing to be instilled in you and your siblings.

My disregard for "station", my innate visualization of people as if they were children, my lack of reverence in the face of authority, have all placed me in some rough spots in life. At the same time, it provided me the strength to deal with those rough spots, and the "big people" trying to manipulate my life, in a dignified and diplomatic manner.

The most difficult "big people" were my parents, siblings and extended family members. They had predetermined who I was and was going to be. Big error. I have since had cousins, aunts and uncles on both maternal and paternal sides of my family apologize to me for the way they treated or for not intervening in the way my immediate family tormented me.

I did not learn to stand up for myself from my folks. I learned how it feels to be crushed every time you start to stand, be silenced upon an utterance of thought, be taunted and set up to believe that life was only a series of agonizing psychological beatings from all other people. And then, eventually, I learned that all of that was pure bullshyt.

I stood up
and walked away.

It has taken me 32 of my 48 years to reach the place I call home in my psyche. Of course, homes are never perfect and often need cleaning up, disposing of trash that somehow accumulates, repeated exterminating of mental rodentia who somehow creep back in.

I am comfortable here. It gets better, instead of worse or the shytty status quo.

I love my family, but I do not expect or trust them to treat me any better than they have all my life. It is sad to see how intimidated they are by my independence and refusal to hold them up as dictators. I moved to a place I enjoy which is a day or more drive from all of them and do not feel compelled to run down and visit.

As for the "big people", well, if I can deal with my "big" family, I can certainly deal with some kid in a grownup's body trying to prove to him/herself that he/she is, indeed, important.

Poor kids.

just plain jane

PS. I reserve the act of bowing before someone for my Lord God and His Son.




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