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Re: To read or not to read » fallsfall

Posted by vwoolf on September 27, 2004, at 9:34:19

In reply to Re: To read or not to read » vwoolf, posted by fallsfall on September 26, 2004, at 16:28:44

Thanks fallsfall for your long thoughtful reply. I found so many useful points in what you wrote, as well as so many similarities with why I feel I need to read. Personal accounts do comfort terribly, I suppose by making me feel that I was not crazy, by being able to see what happened to me from the outside and being able to feel compassion for the survivor ( I hate this term, it’s so corny, but I don’t know what other term to use). And it is useful to be able to define what is happening so that I can work around the idea.

There’s another reason I read so much. I have a huge positive transference towards my Pdoc, who was the person who suggested I should join the Jung library. It feels as if I am close to him when I read books I borrow from there. I don’t understand though why my Pdoc had no problem with my reading, and in fact encouraged it, when my T is so threatened. Oh dear.

But like you I spend far too much time reading a lot of books that mean very little to me, as if I need them to take up my time, keep me busy. I know exactly what you mean. My T has no idea how much time I actually spend reading these books - I’m sure she would be horrified if I told her. It becomes quite compulsive at times, as if I just have to keep reading. A book or computer forms a great barrier between me and my husband or son when I feel I can’t handle any more tension. But that is another large can of worms I don’t wish to open right now. And yes, it does happen when I am having problems of trust with my T. I wish I were more in control, I hate her being able to call the shots, I hate feeling as if she’s enjoying my shame and pain at making a fool of myself. Because I invariably do.

You know, early in my therapy my T shared an anecdote with me. She told me about her student days, about when she was working in the large state psychiatric hospital in my city. She told me about the fear she had when she was finally given the key to the locked ward. She laughed as she told me, as if I would appreciate her fear of the mad people on the other side of the door. She forgot though that I had been a patient at that hospital. I had been on the other side of the door, I was/am one of the “others”. I have never really been able to trust her motives since then. I have always felt that I need to really be well informed about what she is up to, that she is the “other” to me. In a sense, the enemy.

Wow, that’s quite a confession I’ve just made. No wonder we have issues of trust. LOL. I’m going to have to talk to her about this. It’s moved quite a long way away from the books, I must say.

Thanks for the insight, fallsfall.




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