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Re: Completely lost faith

Posted by Dinah on September 26, 2004, at 17:42:33

In reply to Re: Completely lost faith, posted by Miss Honeychurch on September 26, 2004, at 8:01:27

I think Miss Honeychurch might be pretty close, unless my whole viewpoint is distorted by depression. In fact, that's what our fight was about before he left. Not that I have any negative transference or disillusionment with him, because I don't. He's still a good guy, still the same guy he always was. I may be mad at him over a single issue, but there's no global negativity in my feelings toward him.

But I was talking about how I wasn't needing him as much any more, and how I wondered if that wasn't a core reason for my depression. That I used to feel like a blind pup to his milky mother dog, and now I can't recapture that feeling, and it was a d*mn good feeling. And that whatever good things come from "growing up" can't compare to that feeling. Not even close.

And he refused to see it as a bad thing. He wanted to help me with the "transition", and he told me that I could choose whether to see it as a good thing or a bad thing and my choice would determine what the experience was like. Well, *^%$ him! I told him that I would choose to make it as unpleasant as possible, then I left in spirit if not physically.

I'm losing too much at once. I don't know whether or not my dad is dying. And I don't know what to hope for for him. He's utterly miserable and he is the Mr. Hyde black rage with red firebolts 90% of the time. The Dr. Jekyll that I loved as I got older (Daddy doesn't like very little kids), and that appears pretty much in direct proportion to how much his needs are being met isn't around very much.

I lost my mother years ago, even though she'll probably outlive us all.

Harry is dying. Five of my six dogs are thirteen or older, I think. Maybe twelve. The chances of my finding another dog I can fall in love with are slim to nonexistant. I can like them quite well, and care for them, but it isn't easy to fall in love with one.

I hate to sound whiny, but if I lose my therapist too, I'll have nothing. I'm not replacing him with things in my life. I'm replacing him with nothing. There's just a big gaping black hole there. And I know that I'm not going to physically lose him, but I fear I'll lose what I love about him because I'm "growing up". Blech.

And he wants to help me with the transition. To h*ll with that. I'd rather die. I really would rather die.

This has been coming for what.. a couple of months now? Some of you may remember when I first started talking about it. It's just progressed naturally from there. It has nothing really to do with him being gone. In fact, his being gone isn't much of an issue at all, d*mn it.

I want him to help me go back. How can working through the transference be a good thing if it just leaves me hopeless and suicidal? It' *not* a good thing. It's not!




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