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Why might T have stopped physical contact? (long)

Posted by Skittles on September 25, 2004, at 20:00:44

After seeing my T for about 5 months, I was finally able to tell her about probable childhood abuse. Frankly, I don't remember much. Basically there are instances where I remember my father grabbing me in a rage and then I'm blank. I can remember everything leading up to each event vividly and a sensation of extreme fear, but never what actually happened. Anyway, after this session, my T touched my arm as we left her office. I was surprised as she had not made contact like that before.

At our next session, we talked more about these events. She asked me if I thought I had experienced csa and I told her that I didn't think so. Again, she touched my arm as I left. At this point I decided I liked it b/c it made me feel closer to her and that she genuinely cared.

By the time the next session rolled around, I was a mess. I had opened my own personal Pandora's Box and I couldn't stuff everything back in again. I told her that I had been doing a lot of thinking - trying to put pieces together - and that the results were frightening. I couldn't then and haven't yet been able to tell her what I was thinking about. She asked if it had led me in a direction I hadn't expected to go and I told her yes. Since that point, no touching at all. And I miss it. I've come up with 3 possible reasons on my own, but I wonder what you guys think.

1. Maybe she thought I was uncomfortable with it. This is probably the most rational answer, but of course it's the one I least believe.

2. The touching was a reward of sorts for opening up. I haven't been able to do much of that since, thus no reward.

3. I gave an indication that I might have experienced csa and, as such, have become the untouchable. Of course, I'm convinced this is the reason.

As for the the things I am not able to say to her, it's a lot of putting 2 and 2 together. Thinking of all the strange hang-ups and irrational responses I have to certain things and realizing that they all MAY be interconnected. I'm toying with the idea of sharing those things here before doing so with my T - to see how it feels. Here, I know I don't have to see facial reactions or worry about being treated differently. I don't know if I'll EVER be able to say, "Yes, it did happen," because I can't remember any specific act and I'm not sure I WANT to remember anyway. I don't really trust myself.




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