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Re: contact after termination(a bit long..)

Posted by li hing on September 24, 2004, at 3:07:38

In reply to Re: contact after termination(a bit long..) li hing, posted by 10derHeart on September 23, 2004, at 19:29:29

I hurt so much from my ex-T. The letter she sent me was really cold. I trusted her and I thought she really meant it when she said that she would love to hear from me to see how I was doing.

I felt so hurt. I cried a lot. Yeah, she told me she would block and delete my e-mails if I e-mailed her again.

Then I called her to ask her if she would see me again and she got really angry. She told me really sarcastically that I need to work on my relationships with other people and that if she knew it was me that was calling she might not have answered the phone. I hung up so confused and hurt. She told me that she would see me again if I was elgible for the center again and then she rejected my request telling me I'm a much "bigger problem" than she thought I was and that I needed someone long term.

About 2 weeks ago, I got to see my file that my old T kept for me at the center. I saw a bunch of my letters thrown into my file unopened. It felt like a dagger went through my heart.

My T was older than me but she was a young T. I guess we're both young.

I hurt so much.

Our T relationship was so intensely close and warm, after termination she was just really mean to me. I showed my new T my letters and he said that my letters were really nice and he doesn't understand why old T reacted that way.

In any case, if my old T is reading this I want you to know that you really hurt me a lot.

> I totally understand why you are so angry with your ex-T. That was a pretty awful series of truths you had to discover about her. Sadly, it's not the first time I've read of such a response to contact after termination on these boards. I am one of the blessed folks who had a wonderful T. I *concluded* (to steal from another poster - hate the word *termination* !)my work with him about 3 months ago (he took a new job in another state). I asked if I could write (yes), wrote 10 days ago and just today, he answered with a sweet, friendly-yet-professional email. He knows I know we won't correspond often or do therapy by email. But, we shared something extraordinary that ended before either of us was ready (although I'm doing well), and it didn't escape him how much he means to me.
> As you said, the smallest "hi" would have been enough. He promised a future address and made sure I got it. He also said he'd "love to hear how I was doing", meant it, and the most critical - followed through. It was incredibly important. In fact, I'd dare say his reliable, steady follow through now, when I am NOT a patient and he has a totally new life, may be one of the most deeply therapeutic things he's ever done!
> I think it was very wrong of your T. to use such phrases and then act as she did, that must have hurt like crazy. Therapists, more than anyone, must be careful about such powerful words. And, we'd hope, sensitive and discriminating enough to tell which clients are most deeply attached, in order to be the gentlest with them. Wish that were always true, but it's not, as you found out the hard way. Even if your ex-T. was at a point she thought you were writing too much and she needed to say that, and maybe be sure you didn't expect therapy by mail, her harsh treatment was NOT the way to go about it.
> Seems many Ts who do well to help us heal *during* therapy have a weak spot when it comes to handling endings with skill, warmth and care. I was wondering...was your T. young and/or new to her profession? If so, that may be part of the reason, but only part. We only have to read gardenergirl's caring posts to see there are T's -even while still training-who do "get it" and are committed to handling letters, email, etc., the best way possible for each client.
> So sorry you had to live through this, especialy after 2 years with someone. It's just plain awful. If you feel like saying, how are you doing overall now? Please post more if it helps.((li hing)) - 10DerHeart




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