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Recent therapy --defenses at work (long)

Posted by gardenergirl on September 23, 2004, at 22:13:21

I just wanted to post about how things are going in therapy. Recently when I went through the situation when my T was late and then cancelled the next week, it was so upsetting to me because I had worked myself up to telling him a really big secret I had been withholding despite being in therapy for a year. I've been hanging onto this for more than 5 years, and just told my hubby last year. It's a mistake I made at a time when I was very depressed and feeling very boxed in and helpless that has repercussions today (that's about all I can say about it, sorry.) Anyway, I talked about how I had this thing to say but wasn't ready and feared my T's response--couldn't bear to see disappointment on his face for a couple of weeks.
Just when I was ready to spill, blam, can't see him!

So anyway, I finally did tell him when I had a normal session last week. It was odd. I spoke so matter of factly about it...something so very shameful feeling to me. I was so flat. He was great, and had a stone face as I was telling him. He pretty much stayed on the practical problem-solving end of things, and reassured me that I didn't have to decide anything about it today, although I do want to try to "fix" it someday. He did say too, that we needed to talk more about what it means and so on.

So afterwards, I felt pretty irritable for a couple of days. Just like when I blurted before that I had a secret. I really wanted to get that time machine out and erase that part of the session. After telling him, I knew there was no going back, and it definitely made it real. I couldn't hide my head in the sand anymore. I guess I was irritable at spitting out the sand and looking into the sun after so long. :(

That mood finally passed, and amazingly, I feel better. I was struck by how strongly I had defended against even thinking about it, let alone feeling. But this probably has been eating away at me since I did it. Gotta love suppression...:)

I felt even better after my session Wednesday, when I talked about feeling very flat about it. And it was funny, because I said "I know some insights about it intellecutally", and I was just about to say, "but I'm not there yet emotionally" when I just started to cry. lol, good timing, eh?

Anyway, we kind of bounced around between that event and what it means, and how I might do things differently when operating from a place that's not so fear-locked. We talked about my dad and how crazy making and damaging it was to have him as my parent. All in all, a productive session.

It's just amazing how just telling something can bring some relief. I guess that's my point after rambling on. Has anyone else had this experience?





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poster:gardenergirl thread:394355