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group termination session #5

Posted by tabitha on September 22, 2004, at 0:29:55

long story, but I ended up agreeing to do the 6 termination sessions, and she didn't count the one where I announced I was quitting, then there were a couple weeks where group didn't meet, so I still haven't finished with group.

Tonight was session 5 of 6 and it was hard. We'd been off for 2 weeks, and I didn't even have individual last week (T vacation), and I think I'd forgotten what a minefield it is in there.

I don't even want to describe it-- it's the same old story, crazy-making, upsetting junk, and I know in advance I'm wrong about it, and I'm wrong for feeling wrong, because nobody wants me to feel wrong. But I'm certainly not right about anything.

Did termination with the last remaining guy, and to me this guy is a therapy true believer, kind of an idiot about it, he can't grasp why I'd want to end the useless soul-destroying pain of group, I tried to explain it again, no comprehension. I feel like I'm leaving a tiny cult.

The last couple sessions weren't so bad. Tonight I came out feeling humiliated, angry, confused, guilty, hurt, the usual stuff, cried for a couple hours and went straight to bed. Now I won't sleep without an extra pill and tomorrow I'll feel awful. Mad at the T for not directing the session differnently, but I know better than to go in Thursday and gripe about it to her. Some part of me remembered oh yeah, that's always a mistake, so I don't have that outlet. Push the pain away, somewhere else, somehow. Feels awful.

This is why I'm leaving. Maybe I just needed a reminder. Yeah, thanks.




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