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Re: letter to my T re: our affair/ discretion

Posted by Jadah on September 15, 2004, at 18:41:13

In reply to Re: Pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on August 22, 2004, at 20:48:23


Dear ,

I’m not even sure where to begin, I have so many mixed feelings. Many of them I never thought I would feel. You commented once that one day I would resent you for crossing the line, I said “no way”. I do. This is certainly an I hate you don’t leave me time. I want to thank you for showing me what love could be like, but at the same time I am severely angry that you shared it and then took it away. My regrets? Mainly that there are still so many things that I did not get to do, small but risky things that were intimate and therefore scary to me, things that I think I would only feel comfortable being vulnerable and taking the risk with you. I do wonder what it would be like to have fucked you and shown you everything I have learned (as opposed to always making love), I know that wasnt the point of our being together. I miss you touching me, kissing me, holding me, being inside of me….the very things that, in some ways, I somehow feel taken advantage of. Right now, everything that I felt and learned from our being together is clouded with anger. You loved and left me….. Like so many others in my life. Physically, you are still present, that has always hurt. I still have that big, empty whole in my stomach, the one that only you could fill (for now). More conflicting and surprising thoughts…. How could you have sex with me and then go home to your wife and have sex with her/ or vice versa. How could you look at us in the eye and say loving and compassionate words? Did you tell us both the same things? Was I so desperate and needy that I fell for it? I told you I would never hurt you, something you cant say. I told you that I am not out to get you in trouble in any way. I stick to my word. Since the beginning I have made this affair nothing but easy for you, even at my expense. Everything has always been about you. I let you have your cake and eat it too. I gave you a free ticket in and out so that you could go about your merry ways uninterrupted. You’ve lost nothing. With no consequences, I fear that in the future you will compromise your boundaries with someone else. Not everyone will be as naïve and understanding as myself. It bothers me to think that your life has not been turned upside down, that you still go home at night to your family and live as you please. I often wonder how solid your marital foundation is. You don’t seem to be home a lot, which is none of my business. These are some of the reasons though, that I felt you could get comfortable with the situation, and that it could have continued. I do not dispute the idea that you care about me and maybe even love me. You could never feel for me as deeply as I feel and love you, we’ve both always known that. I wonder if you have other patients that you have said the same thing to. I know that you are human and have wants and desires like everyone else. God, I want you inside of me, holding me, kissing…… I will deal with all of my feelings all the while trying to be mature enough to keep seeing you on a therapeutic level. You are the only one that knows me inside and out, who comforts me with kind words in a soothing tone, who sits and holds me and allows me to cry, free from consequences or guilt. You give me what I need in that realm and it is in this sense that I think you are irreplaceable as my therapist. Five years is a long time, a lot of work. There is so much more that I can say, my mind is so disorganized right now. Giving you this much is more than I intended, as I did not want to give you the satisfaction of knowing just exactly how powerful you can be in my life…. Big secret…. I have no choice but to get over you. I look at you as being a “man”, and in that sense, your actions cannot be faulted. This is what men do…. isn’t it? Our relationship will be different for awhile while I heal, but I do believe that ours is strong enough to overcome anything. I do not feel, at this point, that I wish to hear any responses or disputes that you may have at this time, or any time, as I do not feel as though I am at a place where I would believe any rebuttal. I am naïve, but I’m not stupid. See you soon.

I hate you, don’t leave me.




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poster:Jadah thread:267681