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Re: Why bother with therapy? Starlight

Posted by stebby on August 31, 2004, at 20:32:28

In reply to Re: Why bother with therapy?, posted by Starlight on August 31, 2004, at 13:38:35

Starlight, Thanks for all of your insight. Its always good to hear someone else's story. That is horrible about your former pdoc! I'm so sorry you had that experience. I can't imagine how betrayed you must have felt. Its a good thing you weren't having a transference issue with him!

I have often felt like cutting after therpay, but I think its related more to the transference issues. These have been a problem all of my life when I become close to an authority figure. The problem is that the transference can be so strong for me, I couldn't imagine leaving therpay. My first therapist had to terminate with me(becasue her internship ended) and it was horrible. It was worsened because she lived near me, and when I ran into her (she was walking by my house) she pretty much ignored me. I was devastated. I am so fearful of being abandoned again. I hate being so attached to someone, yet I can't deny it either. I don't know whether or not therapy is actually helping me, but I think so sometimes. Othertimes, I think it just causes more pain.

I saw my therapist today after a whole summer off! It was so good to see her. I love her. Its such a painful love though, because I know she will never be part of my life other than when I pay her for her services. Its a form of prostitution really, but instead of sex, you get intimacy. I'm just going to enjoy the good feeling of seeing her again though, for now. Eventually my utter frustration will return.

Glad to hear you were able to beat your eating disorder. What brings you to the board anyway?


> I had been going to a therapist while I was in the throes of my eating disorder. I would go see her and then get in my car after my session and go to the nearest all you can eat buffet to binge and purge right after my session. I don't think that helped very much at all.
> I think what helped me the most was going to community college and finally being recognized for my mind rather than my appearance. I grew up in Miami and my parents had a lot to do with why I developed the eating disorder. I binged and purged as a result of the severe emotional tumult in my home life and the physical and mental abuses I was getting hit with. I found eating to be extremely comforting, especially sweets and such. I gotta say I really hated living at this point.
> In community college, I started succeeding and that was very exciting to me. Often times women with eating disorders and other types of self harm disorders are actually very bright but the pain of living is harsh, especially when you predominatly experience the superficiality of people instead of their deeper more intimate side.
> In the first year post eating disorder, I threw up twice. Once was at thanksgiving with my family (go figure) and I can't recall when the second time was. But that's been it. It's actually been over ten years now and I'm happy with my body.
> I did therapy for a really long time, but the reason I've written it off is that my last Pdoc broke confidentiality, he put information about my pot usage (which he promised would not leave his office) into my main medical record and coded and sent it to my insurance company. The things he wrote about me were extremely unkind and untrue and his betrayal is one of the most hurtful things I've ever experienced. I have a new, female Pdoc now who oversees my medication but that's it.
> My files are kept in the central med records file of the hospital where I work. I had surgery back in December but didn't know that the information was in my main record (which followed me around throughout my surgery) so the doctors that handled me including the anesthesiologists, who I work very closely with, could all have seen that information, which could have a very negative impact on my career potential.
> That was enough. I wish you all the best.
> starlight




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