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Wish Me Strength...

Posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 6:25:43

I can't believe I'm going to do this, but this afternoon, I have an appt. with the pdoc who replaced my T. (pdoc, too) who moved away 6 weeks ago. Although I've had a few sessions w/another T. (social worker), she is out of town, not to mention we have been at odds and I'd say a poor fit. My old T. arranged her as a transition and support for me as we were terminating. But now, b/c I feel worse each time we talk,and b/c of an issue with something that happened in my last session with him, I have decided to see the female pdoc who replaced him. See, the thing is, she moved into his old office..and she knows I dread trying to step into that room now with her stuff there. I am in the building once a week for group that she leads,and I tolerate it by sheer force of will. I avoid the hallway leading to his (now her)office always. I broke down crying once last month after group when we tried to talk about a f/u appt. with her to check my meds. She (perceptive since she hardly knows me)correctly guessed immediately that going into that office is a terribly sad thought for me. She pushed nothing and said she thinks I know what I need and she would leave it at that for now. She's very caring and I don't dislike her. I just want him back every time I see her. I just still hurt inside about it every day. I thought it would be unecessary suffering to even try to go into his old office so soon (if ever). But now, I have some huge stressful events upcoming, and I am having constant obsessive thoughts about a couple of things, so I emailed her and she agreed to see me today.

I'm scared. What if I can't make it into her office? What if I freak out and have an angry outburst if I do get in there? Maybe this is a bad idea, but I do feel a need for her. My T. always said he had a very positive feeling about her, and in group she is great. that doorway is where he opened his arms and gave me a goodbye that room I opened my heart to him and I wasn't close to done when he had to leave..and I am crying just thinking of this... I'm wondering if we'll ever get to my issues because I may break down and sob about missing him. Hmmm, maybe that is what's supposed to happen,,? Can you all tell I'm a bit conflicted (understatement of the century)? I think I'll go through with it. Please wish me strength...and her too to deal with what may be a massive flood of tears and pain....




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:10derHeart thread:375907