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Re: Bootstrap? Bootstrap Method? 64bowtie

Posted by mair on August 9, 2004, at 15:47:32

In reply to Bootstrap? Bootstrap Method?, posted by 64bowtie on August 9, 2004, at 2:49:17

Rod - I impute no ill will to you; I believe you firmly and earnestly feel that there is another, better way for us. Unfortunately, your posts sometimes just push too many buttons.

These are some of the things that I very frequently tell myself. I recognize that they are not necessarily consistent with one another, and I offer them in no particular order:

1. I'm not depressed. If I was depressed, I wouldn't function as well as I do and I would have more of what I consider to be the more physical symptoms or depression.

2. The fact that I am not depressed, explains why I'm only a partial responder to meds. _ There is nothing to medicate.

3. Since, I am not depressed, whatever suicidal feelings I have are unrelated to depression - suicide is a conclusion I draw from a very realistic appraisal of myself.

4. Feelings of self-hatred (of which I have many) are unrelated to depression and thus, not really treatable. Whether you like or dislike someone can be a very subjective thing, and may not say alot about the person you don't like. I think my own self hatred can be subjective too; it's just the way things are.

5. If I am still depressed, it's because I've chosen to be. I think I should be able to "will" depression away. If I really wanted to get better, I'd do all the things that would clearly improve my mental state. I'd exercise on a regular basis and maybe I'd find some other way to make money than in my current job.

6. There is no reason for me to be depressed, and certainly no reason for me to be chronically depressed. I have none of the abuse issues others have here; my family is fairly stable and healthy; I have access to great medical care and while my family is by no means wealthy, I don't have to worry about whether I can pay basic bills. For the most part, the worse thing that I can generally say about my parents is that they were unaware of how truly sensitive and anxious I was as a child. Big deal! I have a sense that I am not "entitled" to my disease (or my non-disease), and I can feel very ashamed about the amount of medical care I get (and really don't deserve) and about how intractable my thinking is.

Both my T and my pdoc have told me that my denial of depression is, in their view, a symptom of depression, and one that has been difficult to treat. But it's thinking that I slip into very easily. Sometimes, I read your posts to suggest that we have tons more control over how we think and feel about ourselves. I'm willing to buy that theory any day of the week, but not because it conveys a positive outlook for the future, so much as it reinforces a negative view of the present.

I just wanted to explain to you that while I know you always mean well, it's not always healthy for me to dwell on your message.

Mair

I just wanted to explain why


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poster:mair thread:375512
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