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My sis - and an explanation

Posted by AuntieMel on August 5, 2004, at 9:53:57

In reply to Re: Nice guy gets blocked....., posted by AuntieMel on August 4, 2004, at 12:01:18

Sis is doing fine. She got out of surgury late last night (my time - we're not on the same time zone) and they said there were no problems. She's in icu right now. It's still a shock. She's only 55 and there is no (zip, nada, nil) history of heart problems in the family.

Dinah - If you felt the email I sent you was directed at you, it wasn't. I just needed to vent and your email was one of the few I knew.

Explanation for the break. I'll start with a story.

One time when I was about nine or ten, my dad sent us (the kids) to my uncle's house for most of the summer. That in itself wasn't a big deal because we were shipped off somewhere almost every summer.

Now I love this group of cousins dearly, but they were kids themselves and they had their own friends and lives. Understandable, but sometimes I felt like a tagalong.

One day they wanted to hang out with their friends and I wanted to go skating, so I decided I'd go skating by myself. No big deal. While I was out I saw a group of girls about my age and sort of skated in their general direction, but not *to* them, hoping I would be invited to join in. I was very pleased when I saw them coming towards me - until - they surrounded me and left me no escape. The girls taunted me, laughed at me, told me I was ugly and so on for about five minutes, when they were stopped by someone older.

I was shaken to the core. And scared. I'm sure this is where a lot of the self loathing came from. And to this day there is a disconnect between feelings and rational thinking.

NOTE: the following bits are not directed to any particular persons. I truthfully couldn't say who did what I'm talking about were without going to the archives, and I'd rather stay ignorant on this.

When I saw all this going on with fires, it all rushed back in a huge way. It seemed to me like fires was in the same situation, with a large number of the 'regulars' telling him that his feelings - and him - were invalid. If I hadn't tried to help, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

And what made it exponentially worse for me was that the people I percieved were doing the circling were people that I cared for.

This has opened up a lot of raw feelings for me, feelings that I had successfully managed to tuck away in the back of the closet, I wish had stayed there.

So, I can continue on as if nothing happened but being afraid all along if I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time and be ostracized. Or I can protect myself and leave. Maybe for a short time, maybe forever - the jury is still out.

I just thought the folks here deserved an explanation.

Good luck to all.





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