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Re: stopping SI/tipstricks TexasChic

Posted by B2chica on August 3, 2004, at 14:04:27

In reply to Re: stopping SI/tipstricks B2chica, posted by TexasChic on August 3, 2004, at 13:37:15

welcome to this (for lack of better word) "unique" club. what you describe below are absolute traits for SI.
my story is quite odd (i think). i first SI'd when i was about 14...13/14, mostly i would cut on my arms/legs but they were usually light, just enough to cause a little blood but would look like "cat scratches" which is exactly what i told my parents. i did this till about 17.-(when consequently i got involved in an abusive relationship-no wonder i stopped??) anyway, during the next 4/5 years i mainly smoked and drank HEAVILY-to me same m.o. for SI. then i didn't start again till last year...the big 3-0. yep, i'm now 31 and ask myself the exact same questions...i feel like i'm childish...thinking "i'm not 15 anymore...i shouldn't be acting this way". but i SI for a couple different reasons (everyone is different) 1) sometimes the emotions are SO intense to commit S. that i "allow" myself to cut but force in different areas- not near wrist -if i can help it. othertimes it's almost as if i have no control-i can get hysterical with anger, pain, hurt, i'm usually bawling and just cut cuz i literally don't know how else to get out of me this emotional pain inside. Othertimes i'm so disgusted with my body (again emotions that i can't contain or understand kick in) and just cut. i too feel i definately deserve this pain and scaring.
Some people actually say that this is a way to show on the outside how much pain we have on the inside. -i think i agree with this.

-i need to head out to my t appt. right now, i'll try to give more info tomorrow.
Please Take Care TC.
No matter how you SI, keep it clean (disinfect)-take care you.

> I was just wondering if you would mind telling me when you began SI. The reason I'm wondering is because I find myself wanting to do it more and more these days. I just feel like that pain would help ease the other pain I feel inside. I've actually thought about what I would use, and where on my body to do it. And I thought of all this before I ever saw this site or anything much about it. I just wondered if it was weird that at 34, I feel like SI all of a sudden. I have done similiar things like clipping my cuticles until they bleed, and I think that's where I go the idea. I also have a problem with picking at any inperfection until it bleeds. Its like I can't stop until I draw blood. It almost feels like I'm punishing myself, like I deserve the pain and the scar left from it. And afterwards I feel relieved, like I've paid a penence.




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