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Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by gardenergirl on July 16, 2004, at 7:21:43

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

> i mean to see the pain i would cause others can deter me from acting on such thoughts.

I think you are right about this. Hang onto this if suicidal feelings come back. And I am glad you are okay.
> but i feel 1,000 times lower than pond scum now. maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do. I'm also thinking about how i work with people with disabilities ("real problems") and i feel disgusted with myself because they are fighting for life every step of the way and here i am with my "issues" and can't seem to have a day go by that i'm not considering some way 'out'.

B2C, first, let me say that I admire you for working with people with disabilities. I know it takes a special, patient heart. But please remember that serious mental illness is also disabling. You don't just have "issues". That's society talking. That's the stigma of mental illness. You have pain. Real pain. Just because you can't point to a spot on your body that is the source doesn't make it any less real.

> I think i'm mad because i just couldn't handle going to therapy and managing my life at the same time. i've got work and school and my husband to worry about, that's enough right now. Any problems i thought i had can just wait. i've made a concious decision to push everything else down. it was pretty easy. and i feel a lot stronger now. all my "issues" are no longer "so pathetically 'important'". i have the attitude to just stand tall and push on. and it's working quite well. so i'm ready to stay here.

I'm glad you are working towards feeling stronger. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I notice that with everything you have responsibility for, you don't list yourself as being a high priority. I know that often we can overcome negative feelings by focusing on doing rather than thinking. I think that is what you are saying...kind of just suck it up and get going? But I am concerned that this is a time, more than ever, when you need to focus on you.

Perhaps that seems selfish? Or impossible with your other obligations? I know there was a profound moment that came in therapy with me when I was trying to schedule my next appt. I was kind of thinking aloud about my week while looking at my schedule. I was concerned that I needed to leave my usual appt. time open because of issues with a couple of clients, work obligations, etc. My T said, "GG, this hour is YOUR hour. You're not seeing that. It's not an hour IF you have time. This is YOUR time. It should be sacred for you." I was stunned. But it was very validating, and made me realize that I often sacrifice my own wellness for the sake of others. You know what they say on the airplane...put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others. I think this is a good metaphor for life. You've got to have adequate support and strength for yourself, before you can give to others.

Just my 2 cents. I'm worried about you. Can you talk with your T about your anger and feelings of failure? Maybe therapy needs to shift a bit to focus on how you can keep all those balls in the air. I can certainly relate, being married, going to school, working. It takes a lot out of you.

(((B2C)))

Take care,
gg

 

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poster:gardenergirl thread:365276
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