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Re: Transference pain never ends crushedout

Posted by pinkeye on July 14, 2004, at 15:28:40

In reply to Re: Transference pain never ends JenStar, posted by crushedout on July 14, 2004, at 11:32:43

Hi Crushedout,
I know the pain of not being able to consummate your feelings for that person.
It is really painful to share so much and feel a lot and not being able to have a real relationship with them.
I don't have the answer to you since I am going through it as well, though in a much milder form I would say.
Time is a good healer. For all questions that we don't know the answer, it is a good strategy to lie low and wait out. Also distractions seem to help a lot.

> Hi JenStar,
> Yes, I agree with all you say about therapy and it's double-edged-swordedness. It can be very painful, and for me, it certainly is.
> The problem with your advice of finding someone new is that it's not that simple. Because I'm in love with my therapist, I can't even really feel attracted to anyone else, much less fall in love. That's what I told her yesterday. I need to work through these feelings in order to be *capable* of finding someone new. But dating this guy *is* helping me in a lot of ways, although he can't in any way replace the spot my T has in my heart. She owns that spot.
> And yes, as I've said many times before on this board, I *do* think I know her to some degree. You can never know someone completely, and I don't know her as well as I'd like to, or as well as her family does, I'm sure, but she's shared some details of her life with me, and I also think you can know someone without necessarily knowing that much about the "facts" of her life. You know how she interacts with you, that she's caring, what she looks like, how she dresses, decorates her office, you know her sense of humor, etc. -- these are all significant pieces of what a person is. And I love who she is.
> > You may want more, but unfortunately you can't have it. It sucks, but that's the way life is.
> I'm sorry, but this isn't helpful to me. To the extent it is true, I already know it, and it's not even necessarily true. At least, *you* can't possibly know that it's true. Some therapists break boundaries. I'm not trying to say that would be a good thing, just that they do.
> > Again, I'm truly sorry you're suffering. I've had unrequited crushes in the past and I know how painful and sad they can be.
> Thank you. I don't think it's necessarily unrequited, but I do think it will likely never be consummated so that is similar to unrequited love in that there is little hope that I will ever get to fulfill my desire.
> > What did she say when you talked about the crush? What was her response?
> She said it must be very painful to know that at least in one way I can never consummate my feelings for her. Or maybe I don't even fully know that I can't. She's said other things to me in the past, but that's what she said yesterday.
> >Is it possible you're dating the male therapist as a way to try and get from him what you can't get from her?
> Absolutely. And I see nothing wrong with that. I think it's probably a really good thing for me. And as you said, "[i]t's usually kind, sensitive caring people who go into therapy as a career."




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