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Re: I'm in love with my therapist

Posted by Jadah on July 13, 2004, at 19:16:32

In reply to Re: I'm in love with my therapist, posted by karen_kay on October 27, 2003, at 14:39:12

I've been having an affair with my therapist. For five years I sounded and felt the same way all of you have. Now Im totally confused, even more hurt, and having difficulty seperating our romance from our therapy. It started off with my obsession with him. I couldnt give myself to anyone else, unless it was meaningless sex, and even then I fantasized about him, because HE had my heart. I was very open not only about how I felt about him (in love, jealous of his wife and two small children, obsessesed, possessive, not liking the fact that he had other clients, wanting all of his time.....)but also in sharing in EXPLICIT details what I wanted to do to him sexually (first mistake.) I began sharing these fantasies with him on a regular basis. I felt we, I, needed to get it out of my system because nothing would ever happened. I did notice that at these times his body was sexually responsive to what I was saying as well as to me. He would occasionally tell me that he "loved" me (I was in-love" with him), and began giving me a significantly more amount of time in the office as well as an occassional home visit when I'd call him in bad shape. It started off with hugs before I left the office, then led to sitting and holding me while I was upset. The holding slowly became more sexual then one day in the office IT just happened. I couldnt believe it. He struggled after the first time with the thought that he had cheated on his wife, crossed the ultimate boundary (one of his major rules), and his fear of hurting me and our theraputic relationship. Needless to say, although it still affects him, our sexual escapades have continued, (inconsistantly, as he tries to remain in control.) I hated knowing that he had to leave me to go home to his wife. I secretely wished for him to leave her and start a life with me. I know that will never happen, but everytime he gives in to me I grasp onto that hope again. Sometimes I hate him for giving me the most wonderful gift- Genuine LOVE. As a sexual abuse victim I went from not being able to have sex to having sex promiscuously. He showed me what making love is, how to withstand holding after sex without crawling out of my skin, feeling worth it.... I think it was theraputic in many ways but it has made the hurt even worse. Am I going to be with him today or not?, will hc call or come over tonight or not?, does he still feel the same way towards me?, did I ruin his marraige or make him run to her out of guilt?. The rejection is killing me slowly. I know he truly loves his wife and kids. At one point I told him I was ending therapy and that I had to cut him out of my life. I caved and came back. I would rather live with him in my life rather than without him at all, even if it hurts like hell. We are trying to balance things. Its very difficult. I have to face alot of painful realizations.... he IS married, he will Never leave her for me, we could Never be friends and hang out, I am his Patient..... I cry alot. I feel like I have this big hole in my stomach all the time. He fills it when I am with him but as soon as he's gone I hurt again (or even if he's there but not responding to my advances or I feel rejected). I dont know I could say that if I had the chance to do it over again that I would do anything differently. Its always did hurt to love him, so I take what I can get. Those of you who are in love with your therapists, do not ignore your feelings. It is important to PROCESS them with your therapist, it is natural, but as much as you want it, trust me, NEVER EVER allow yourself or your therapist to cross any lines. You'll only want and hurt more. Accept them for who they are supposed to be in your life- a helper, confidant. Anything else WILL destroy you and your theraputic relationship! Also, take a look at what it is you really want from them and how authentic it is. As real as your love may seem, you may just be trying to get a childhood need met, find acceptance, attention.... look at your motives. Do you always go after people you can't have? Is this a pattern for you? One thing I've learned, everything I have received from my therapist are things that I could apply to other people in my life in a healthy way, something I could not even conceive of years ago. Oh, one more thing, fantasies are ALWAYS better than the real thing, and noone can take that from you!;)




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