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suicidal thought remorse?

Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

Saturday, i came very close to drowning in pills. Obviously i didn't, but now i feel even worse. I think about how right now family would be planning my funeral, that in a few days they would be standing over my useless body and i see how they would be feeling- and it rips my gut apart thinking about that, this is kinda good right? i mean to see the pain i would cause others can deter me from acting on such thoughts.
but i feel 1,000 times lower than pond scum now. maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do. I'm also thinking about how i work with people with disabilities ("real problems") and i feel disgusted with myself because they are fighting for life every step of the way and here i am with my "issues" and can't seem to have a day go by that i'm not considering some way 'out'.
Have any of you experienced this? any suggestions on getting out of this Wicked loop that keeps tearing me further and further down?

i also am angry with my T (althought honestly i'm not quite sure why) i'm just feeling anger every time i think of him, and have decided i'll finish up july and then terminate. I think i'm mad because i just couldn't handle going to therapy and managing my life at the same time. i've got work and school and my husband to worry about, that's enough right now. Any problems i thought i had can just wait. i've made a concious decision to push everything else down. it was pretty easy. and i feel a lot stronger now. all my "issues" are no longer "so pathetically 'important'". i have the attitude to just stand tall and push on. and it's working quite well. so i'm ready to stay here.
-i'm sure that last part was more than anyone cared to know but for some reason i felt i needed to say it. kind of confirming i guess.





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