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Second writing assignment tipped the balance

Posted by Racer on July 11, 2004, at 18:29:07

Today started out bad enough, mood wise, but I sat down to try to get a good start on my second writing assignment from my new therapist. Some of it is pretty easy, but the bigger picture is just so overwhelming that even trying to think about it just hit me like a tidal wave, washing me away from my moorings. After writing about a page and a half -- and not really getting to any of the important things -- I just couldn't go on. I saved the thing and went and lay down on the sofa with the quilt over my head and a very grumpy cat who attacked me for disturbing him. (Yes, the cat thing always bothers me. I love him, and I know that he feels whatever cats feel that we describe as love for me. When he attacks me like that, it hurts emotionally, as well as physically.)

All my efforts to stay a step ahead have collapsed around me, and the pain I'm experiencing is surprising me -- the way that pain always does, no matter how familiar with it we may be. I'm not going to *do* anything just because I can't stand to live with this much pain -- although I may load myself up with xanax to try to sleep through this -- but if this is what my life is going to be, I sure don't want to keep fighting my way through it. (In other words: yes, I feel suicidal again. No, I'm not planning to act on that feeling.)

Mind you, the writing assignment is valuable for me. I do need to face these things, and I do need to be able to express them in words in order to address them effectively. I don't regret the assignment. Maybe it's timing, maybe it's just that I've been trying so hard for so long not to experience the pain of the situation, maybe it's just having fought the depression on my own for so long without proper or adequate support and assistance -- whatever it is, this pain is unbearable.

I'm sorry to dump all this here. But I'm very, very grateful to have a place where I can get help in carrying this load.




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