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Re: disturbing dream means???***possible trigger** shadows721

Posted by B2chica on July 10, 2004, at 14:45:53

In reply to Re: disturbing dream means???***possible trigger**, posted by shadows721 on July 9, 2004, at 17:43:22

I've wanted to use this term "dissociation" before to describe what i was experiencing but then i thought it ment like DID and that's not it for me. But EXACTLY like what you describe. it starts as a fog, heavy and it's like i become trapped in my head (like you said you "lock up") typically i can hear people talk to me but i can't respond some times i feel like i'm slowly going to tip over but can't do anything about it, can't move (and don't want to) everything's blurry (but i like it like that), then sometimes people say stuff (or said they asked stuff) that i don't hear. normally saying my name louder than normal will snap me out. I can't control when this happens but it feels like i welcome it when it does. I think it normally kicks off when someone mentions something and my mind starts to take me a place i'm not ready to go so i do this. Sometimes it feels like no one can see me, like i'm hiding/invisible or something. I guess that helps me feel safe??

also, that Time thing can Really freak me out. Sometimes when i come home i have a LOT of anxiety or sickness in my stomach thinking of things so i go to my room just to listen to some music and sit and think. i curl up and start to think about things (let's say it's 6 or 6:30ish) then after-what i think are just a few songs- i look at the clock and it's 9:30 or 10:00. i can't help but wonder WHERE I've BEEN??? i didn't seem to think about that many things? it's just a really weird feeling.

>>It's really hard to explain this dissociation in words, but I will give a try. It feels like spacing (day dreaming) gone out of control. It feels like what's in front of me may turn into a blank room at any minute. When in conversation, my mind "locks" up. I try to talk, but nothing comes out or a voice foreign sounding talks about something else.
>>I hope this makes sense, B2.

Perfect sense!

>>It's very difficult to explain. I loose train of thought easily. Sometimes, it feels like time is going to fast and then it's going to slow. There's a lot of confusion in my head.
I struggle to stay grounded in the present and focused on what people are saying.

I ALWAYS loose train of thought, mostly it's difficult to follow anyone's conversation for more than 30 seconds cuz my mind wonders/scatters. My pdoc says that's cuz of my ADHD, but the meds haven't seemed to fix that.

>>Sometimes, my hearing actually changes too. I can't hear and then everything is too loud.

i have this happen alot, i NEVER thought of it being related. sometimes Everything is so loud, i try to shut off everything but still the smallest sound seems to be high. Lucky for me i have access to several sound booths, sometimes i sneak in for a breather, what's funny is even when there's "nothing" you can hear your body. you actually can hear everything from heatbeat to bloodflow, so we can never be in absolute silence unless we obtain and actual inner ear hearing loss.

>>Sometimes, words that someone uses sound totally foreign. I have to ask what do they mean. It's as if I am hearing that word for the 1st time.

OMG. i thought i was the ONLY ONE that did this...sometimes i can be writing something up and simple words SIMPLE words like "what", i remember looking at that and saying that is just NOT spelled right, and it's like i forget what it means, LITERALLY! i have to think and think on them-what they mean and if i'm using them right and if i'm spelling them right all the time. these everyday words i Truly get stuck on! (I've only ever told ONE person that before cuz i feel SO incredibly stupid for that!) I can't believe that can be related to all this other stuff.

Shadows...i hesitated in telling this but i will say it.
i have been so distraught all morning. tired of it all. i was ready to call my T and cancel all the rest of my appt. and...i brought two bottles of pills here to work, i was going to finish up with the video i'm working on and down them. Everythings been getting worse, worse memories, my close friend (the only one i really have) will probably be leaving in a month (school reasons but i need to encourage him to go), my T i don't think understands or get's me or ever will, and my husband always seems to critique me. EVERYTHING i do is wrong. this morning he was going on about how he can't believe i use so much toilet paper! TP! talk about being a major F@#k-up! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!!! Then of course work is getting more and more pressured and i just don't have time to do it all, or the mind to figure it all out let alone organize it. Everyone seems to think i'm "back to normal", but inside i'm just as bad off as i was months ago right before i went into the hospital.
I just...i just don't think i can do this alone anymore. My best friend in the whole wide world has been dead for 3 1/2 years and i'm ready to be with him again.

-after reading the similarities, i don't utterly alone...quite such the dissapointment right now. So i've put the pills back in my purse for now..who knows, maybe another day, but i don't think i'll do it today.
i wish i could hold you shadows, for all you've been through. i am so sorry you've gone through all this. But i can't help but be So thankful to meet someone that knows...




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poster:B2chica thread:364059