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Re: sheepish

Posted by tabitha on July 9, 2004, at 1:20:39

In reply to Re: More group, posted by pegasus on July 8, 2004, at 18:02:37

Oh here I am feeling like an idiot. I get people hooked into my drama, like I'm going to go in there and do battle with her, and come out victorious somehow. Although, what victory would be, I don't know. Me bravely terminating?

I told her what all I've been going through, pretty much like I've told you guys, and she did seem to understand. She didn't give me the freaky alternate universe explanation again. That was a relief. I think she finally gets how that's coming across to me. She said she's sorry she's given me the wrong message about some stuff, she said she takes responsibility for sending the wrong message, which I didn't expect, I figured it would be my fault for hearing it wrong. I told her I wanted her to actually feel remorse for being wrong, and she expressed remorse for my suffering and for not helping me, and I told her that wasn't quite what I wanted, that I wanted her to actually admit that my perspective might be right. She said nope, not going there. I had to kinda respect that, after all, I don't want her making me give up my perspective, so it makes sense she won't give up her own.

She talked about me leaving group, and managed to put a spin on it that wasn't too unflattering. She said there's a lot of conflict in the group, that she even encourages it, but that I don't seem to handle it well, and no wonder, I haven't had much experience with it, and the experience I've had has been terrible, so I don't have faith it will solve anything. And some people just aren't wired for conflict, and they might make some improvements in their tolerance, but it might be an issue that just doesn't change much over their lives. So it kinda sounds like I'm a delicate flower, which isn't the best thing, but at least it's not 'I've failed therapy'.

It clears something up-- I really thought she encouraged us to get into conflict the one session when I got really hurt, and I didn't get that, it seemed sadistic to me, like stirring up trouble between us, but apparently she believes conflict can actually help relationships, or some people benefit from it, or something.

So we talked about a bunch more stuff, and about my suicidal thoughts this past week. I had actually thought she wasn't going to ask about that, which I guess is pretty twisted of me to think, but naturally she did the usual questions about whether I had a plan and so forth, and somehow it ended with me agreeing to call a new pdoc and get a med update, and not make any decisions about the group or therapy just yet.

I keep saying it's the group that's making my mood plummet, so I shouldn't have to take extra meds to cope with it, but she said that interpersonal stuff shouldn't be so upsetting that it makes me quit functioning. She had me there.

I feel bad 'cause a whole bunch of people have suggested I get a med check and I didn't want to do it, now she says to do it and I finally agree. But whatever, I guess I need a med check.

And she told me to shrink mean woman down, I'm making her too big. And she didn't punish me for pushing mean woman's buttons, in fact she said I was brave and did fine. But I suspect I may get some flak for one comment that mean woman said was snotty. Whatever, mean woman, I'm not going to say I was snotty.

So thanks again everyone for supporting me through this episode. It really helped me get through the day, and go in there and feel I could tell my real story. Now if I change my meds and it all gets better I'm gonna feel like I was a pain in the b*tt for no good reason. Oh wait, there's a good reason-- I hate meds! and side effects and psychiatrists who don't listen. But I guess that's a rant for a different board.




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