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Re: Attachment struggles - again! daisym

Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2004, at 16:31:18

In reply to Attachment struggles - again!, posted by daisym on July 8, 2004, at 15:13:17

Daisy, I just had to laugh when I read your post. Not that your pain is funny of course, but it is soooo much what I go through. The one part of me that wants to see him *no more*, and probably less, than once a week. The other part that gets terrified at the thought of only going once a week even when things are going great and even the needy part of me is a bit bored in therapy. Just last week, when he set up this week's appointments, I wanted to say, hey let's just meet once, but I grew dizzy at the very thought. So I made two appointments as usual but grown up me cancelled one, making needy me dizzy again although I lived through it.

And the week before last, grown up me wanted to save money because I had seen him four times the week before that. So when I made the appointment to see him twice, I actually told him I would probably call to cancel and asked him not to accept the cancellation. Then I instantly realized what a horrible situation I had put him in, and retracted. He said that as long as I guaranteed that I'd be there (or pay if I weren't) he would hold my space, even if I called to cancel. But it truly is horrible of me to place him in the middle of my internal struggles, even if he *is* the center of many of my internal struggles. :))

Anyway, I understand perfectly. It's hard to balance the needs of the sensible you and the needy emotional you. If you try to do what's sensible, you'll end up pitching a fit and losing your productivity anyway. If you don't do what's sensible, you're disgusted with yourself. Or that's my experience at least. It might not be yours.

Sigh.

My therapist's position has been to support the wishes of needy, emotional me, and actively campaign against session reduction. But... sometimes that upsets me too. I wonder if he's milking me for cash, or if he thinks I'm that crazy. On the other hand, I get terrified if he easily agrees to reducing sessions.

Sigh.

 

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