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Re: disturbing dream means???***possible trigger**

Posted by B2chica on July 8, 2004, at 15:47:41

In reply to Re: disturbing dream means???***possible trigger***, posted by shadows721 on July 8, 2004, at 13:46:55

First Shadows, i want to say Thanks for responding. i was just about to ask Dr.Bob if he could remove my post. the more i thought about it, i was really embarrased that i even posted it and wanted to delete it.
...i'm glad i didn't.

>>It sounds like some of your memory content is coming up in your dreams. I've had this too.

it's kind of uneasy... wondering what i'm going to remember next about a life that's supposed to be mine.

>>Your freezing is a totally normal response. It was a shock. Like, "What the H** is this person doing to me"? The Boss represents the abuser. He was in a position of power. He overstepped his boundaries and yours.

-your phrase is Exactly what i was thinking! "what the H***?"
-i just don't understand why EVERYTime in my life i've needed to respond and push people away and say/scream NOOOO! i've frozen. FROZEN and things happened over and over again. WHY? i KNOW it was wrong, sometimes it hurt, and i didn't want things happening, but i couldn't,no, DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!
-i'm so glad you can't see my blubbering mess right now. i'm just falling apart all over again.

>>No, you didn't want this to happen.

sometimes Shadows i wonder. that maybe that's why i would freeze. that, somewhere inside...i..wanted or encouraged things?? and that's why it wasn't just a one-time thing. cuz if you encourage things they continue. I loved this person So Much, i really looked up to him, i always trusted him, that he would never hurt me, he's suppposed to take care of me, so what going on must be ok. He just has this incredible power over me like i'll do anything he asks, and the few times i did say no or if it really hurt he'd just say "just a little more". GOD, that phrase echos on Forever!!!! I HATE THAT SENTENCE!!! he...NOONE EVER LISTENED TO ME!!!!!
-so WHY?????? why did i do those things he wanted?

i'm so sorry Shadows. i think i shouldn't be bugging you folks here about this...i know i need to talk to my T about all this. i'm so sorry.

Shadows, again, THANK you so very much for you response. It just seems like it's getting worse and that is making it SO much harder to juggle life, you know? these days pain is constant in my mind, in my memories. if it's not one memory(pain from one person) it's another.
How do you do it. I'm trying, taking "one day at a time". but like right now i just want to check my self into a psych ward and throw away the key forever! i feel like Everyone around me would be SO MUCH better off if i was just locked up somewhere so they wouldn't have to deal with me, and so i could be left alone to deal instead of having to "put on the happy face" all the time.




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poster:B2chica thread:364059