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Re: More group Dinah

Posted by tabitha on July 8, 2004, at 15:00:26

In reply to Re: More group tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 8, 2004, at 8:38:13

> Is just dropping group an option, Tabitha? At least for now? And you thought you didn't experience that intensity of feeling with her. (sympathetic smile and a big hug). I'm not sure you aren't right about group. We get these expectations that you can learn real life skills in therapy and in process groups and I'm just not sure that idea holds water. I don't think real life relationships can tolerate that level of scrutiny and revelation. Perhaps it's helpful to learn patterns we replay over and over again, in front of the therapist instead of hearing it secondhand and filtered, but I'm not sure. I was looking at my relationship with my husband the other day, and realizing that my relationship with him, and with anyone I know of, works best with a bit of tongue biting and superficiality.


Yes, I seriously doubt I'm learning useful relationships skills there, unless I end up in a relationship with another therapy junkie. I still thought it might be good for me somehow, give me insight into my own dynamics or something.

I think about dropping just group, but I've asked her why she quit supporting me since I started group. I used to feel like she was on my side when I talked about relationships. I used to get validation. I asked why she had stopped, and she said that she can't validate me anymore since now she sees with her own eyes what's happening. So now that she's decided I just see things wrong, how is she ever going to validate me again, and even if she could, how could I ever believe her?

>
> What really really concerns me, Tabitha, and has from the start, is the fact that you appear to be constantly coming away from these encounters feeling like you've been gaslighted. That your view of reality has been invalidated and your views aren't valid. While you also show instances where your views of reality prove more valid than your therapist's. I find that a bit disturbing.


I appreciate you pointing that out to me when I first started talking about this. That's the main problem, and it's driving me nuts. But it seems like that's built into CBT, right, you're going to get told your thoughts are distorted. And I'd bet in most groups like this, you're going to get told you're projecting.

There's just so much of it, I feel like I'm getting beat up, and coached to see things in ways that aren't me, and coached to say things that don't even feel true, and I feel like I'm in a nuthouse, because the other group members are getting the same coaching, so this stuff comes out of their mouths that seems to validate what she says, but I know it's her coaching, and I can't tell if they really believe it or not, or if we're all just parroting what we've been taught to say. And I look at them, and how they talk and act, and I think whoa, is that what I'll become? Is that the goal? I don't even want to be like that.

She told me how it wasn't me she was fighting, it was my critical parent, and the problem was that I was too identified with my critical parent. So I say things that to me are natural caution or gut instinct warnings, and she says 'that's your critical parent'. But who gets to decide what's my critical parent and what isn't? Clearly not me.


>
> Yet I also understand completely your dependence on your therapist, and your feeling that leaving her would be worse than death. Despite the fact that the intensity of my feelings for my therapist has lessened appreciably over time, and he no longer feels magic, and often feels ineffectual, I still have my old plan in place. :( So I do understand, and it's quite a conundrum.
>
> All I can say is what my therapist told me. Nothing in therapy is an irrevocable decision.

Yeah, except if I quit, I'll lose my time slot. No that's not really the thing, I'm just afraid of the suffering involved.

> I actually bought her book. The whole thing was a bit more extreme than comes across in that article.

I know it's extreme, but I found it refreshing.


>But I do think that therapists tend to think that pain is equivalent to gain a bit too often. Sometimes pain is just pain.

Yeah, and what really p*sses me off is, I told the group I'd gotten suicidal over the stress of therapy and group, and that I hadn't been suicidal in years, and it just kinda got glossed over. So what, it's OK if I kill myself, as long as I'm working my issues? Maybe they could put on my tombstone 'she needed better boundaries'. Alright I'm being a big martyr now, but jeez. Something's not right. Therapy should not be driving me into hopelessness and despair.

 

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poster:tabitha thread:363828
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