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Re: More group tabitha

Posted by Racer on July 8, 2004, at 11:27:15

In reply to Re: More group Racer, posted by tabitha on July 8, 2004, at 4:33:38

Hm... This is only a question, not a suggestion:

Do you think that, if *you* made the decision to leave this therapist, it might not be as devastating as earlier 'breakups' for you simply because it was *your* decision?

Way back, years ago, I broke up with someone. Now, since I have usually been the one to leave my longer term relationships, that wasn't the surprising part. The surprising part was that I do have a very intense fear of abandonment -- I could only leave someone who's smothering me, and only after trying very hard to work things out -- and this guy was triggering all of those fears involved in that. He wouldn't leave me, and he wouldn't let me leave him, but he also wouldn't *be* with me, if that makes any sense. He spent a lot of time telling me how awful I was, how hopeless, totally without any redeeming qualities. (He also used to tell me how fat I was, feeding into that whole body image thing.) When I made the decision to leave, we had one of those incidents that get to be funny later -- but are scary as hell at the time. He got home from work early, and found me still packing up to leave. After arguing about it, he hit me first with my pillow -- which knocked me down -- and then with his hands. (I think that was the first time he'd ever hit me, although he may have once or twice before and then convinced me that it wasn't "really" hitting me.) Having made up my mind, I basically said something about physical abuse not being a very good inducement to stay, and picked up my bags to go. He threw himself on the ground, grabbing my ankles and crying. I just ignored him and started walking. He held on. I walked through our bedroom, and he held on, dragging behind me. I walked through the dressing room and kitchen. He held on. I walked down the hallway, to the top of the stairs. He was still holding on. At the top of the stairs, I thought about it and realized that I'd break my neck trying to get down the stairs with him hanging on my ankles and it just wasn't worth it. So, I took my bags back to our bedroom, and didn't say a word.

The next morning, my very best ever friend showed up bright and early -- shortly after he left for work -- and threw my still-packed bags into her car. I'm sure our roommates called him at work, to tell him I was leaving, but he couldn't get home in time to stop me.

I'd stayed with him far too long -- like you couldn't have figured that one out from the story so far, right? -- and had been terrified that the relationship would end because I was so dependant on it. The thought of leaving was too frightening even to consider -- until I made the decision and did it. Being the one to decide and to act was so liberating for me. It didn't take long for me to recover -- much less time than it had taken to get over any of his infidelities or other abusive behaviors while we were together -- and I never regretted that decision. My only regret once I had done it, was that I hadn't done it when I first realized I needed out of that relationship.

Had he been the one to initiate the break up, though, I think it would have sent me over the edge.

So, that's why I'm asking: do you think that it would make a difference to you if you made the decision yourself, whether it was just to leave the group or to leave the group and find another therapist? Do you think that being the Active Party in the decision might be more liberating than devastating?

Tabitha, honey, Dinah had some very, very wise words for you in her post, and I hope that you can step back enough to draw ease and comfort from them. And I hope that you feel better soon -- having been through so many months of horrors myself lately, I know how draining it can be to try to keep going and going through it all. Take best care, dear, and try to find the same affection and concern for yourself that we all feel for you. I know you know that there is a lot of support for you here, but I'll tell you again anyway: there are a lot of people here who are really pulling for you and really want to see you find relief from this pain.




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