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Re: More group tabitha

Posted by Dinah on July 8, 2004, at 8:38:13

In reply to Re: More group Racer, posted by tabitha on July 8, 2004, at 4:33:38

> Thanks for your thoughts. Don't worry about inadvertently causing me to make a wrong decision. If I made any decision at all it would be a miracle. I've been stuck on this issue for months.
> It's not just that I don't trust myself to make the decision, although that's a big factor. The main thing is I'm so dependent on her, that when I decide to leave, I plunge into the worst pain and hopelessness I've ever experienced. Worse than any childhood experience, worse than anything. Just an utter h*ll.

Is just dropping group an option, Tabitha? At least for now? And you thought you didn't experience that intensity of feeling with her. (sympathetic smile and a big hug). I'm not sure you aren't right about group. We get these expectations that you can learn real life skills in therapy and in process groups and I'm just not sure that idea holds water. I don't think real life relationships can tolerate that level of scrutiny and revelation. Perhaps it's helpful to learn patterns we replay over and over again, in front of the therapist instead of hearing it secondhand and filtered, but I'm not sure. I was looking at my relationship with my husband the other day, and realizing that my relationship with him, and with anyone I know of, works best with a bit of tongue biting and superficiality.

What really really concerns me, Tabitha, and has from the start, is the fact that you appear to be constantly coming away from these encounters feeling like you've been gaslighted. That your view of reality has been invalidated and your views aren't valid. While you also show instances where your views of reality prove more valid than your therapist's. I find that a bit disturbing.

Yet I also understand completely your dependence on your therapist, and your feeling that leaving her would be worse than death. Despite the fact that the intensity of my feelings for my therapist has lessened appreciably over time, and he no longer feels magic, and often feels ineffectual, I still have my old plan in place. :( So I do understand, and it's quite a conundrum.

All I can say is what my therapist told me. Nothing in therapy is an irrevocable decision. We can try something out, and if it doesn't work we can go back to where we were before. Does your therapist have the same rules? Would she be able to take a few steps back to where you were before? Can she understand that the changes came faster than you can tolerate? Could you grow to trust her again?
> At least I found some comic relief. Check out this article
> I laughed the whole way through it, and I'm not actually sure it was intended to be funny.

I actually bought her book. The whole thing was a bit more extreme than comes across in that article. But I do think that therapists tend to think that pain is equivalent to gain a bit too often. Sometimes pain is just pain.




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