Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Mixed emotions

Posted by Bent on July 7, 2004, at 13:50:57

So I am almost half way through my therapy ‘break’ (my T went on vacation for a month), and I think I have been doing ok for the most part. I have thought about her often. It seems so strange but I have wondered what she is doing and wondered if she’s even though of me in the slightest…I doubt it. I am now beating myself up over something I did the other day. I drove by her house on purpose. I don’t know why. I know she’s not around. I have done this only a few times and she doesn’t know that I know where she lives. I feel like such a freak for doing that. Afterwards there was just this rush of thoughts…questions – is she with her family? how many kids does she have? Where did she meet her husband? I noticed a pool in the back, I wondered if they entertained guests often? I wondered about her social life? I can’t believe it, I even wondered about her sex life?? I thought a lot about her being a mother and what she might be like with her teenage children. I wonder how she acts around a little baby? I could go on and on. These thoughts make me feel like I shouldn’t be in therapy with her anymore (even though I want to be). There is so much I focus on about her life that has nothing to do with me or the reasons why I am in therapy in the first place. Maybe I should be using therapy to explore these thoughts more. We kinda know why all this transference is taking place. Mainly due to my lacking an emotionally stable mom all my life. She knows I have a strong attachment to her and we have talked about it, but I avoid details like these. I feel like not only will I be uncomfortable but also I risk making her uncomfortable (now I am looking out for my T’s feelings!! That’s backwards.) I am so afraid my intense attachment is going to be too much for her and one day she will drop me, reject me. She never indicates she would and she always welcomes my talking about my feelings towards her. One minute I miss her because she is away and has a life, the next minute I am angry, then the next minute I don’t care. Part of me cant wait until she gets back, yet part of me is dreading it. What will I talk about? I didn’t mean to go on so long, I just needed to vent. I appreciate all your comments. Not everyone understands how complicated the therapy relationship can be and I feel safe expressing myself here, with other who understand or have been there before. Thanks.




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