Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Withdrawal, therapy, feeling boxed in

Posted by Racer on July 5, 2004, at 12:47:46

In our marriage counseling session the other day, our MC said something -- can't really even remember what now -- that sent me into a state that shocked me, and I think my husband and our MC, too. I had been my recently usual self -- looking kinda healthy and strong, at least in comparison to how I had been in recent months. No tears, no hysteria, just reason and logic and opinion. Then, after whatever she said, I heard my voice waver up the scale, break, and waver some more; a few tears; then straight back to Reasonable Racer. I'm not sure if I'm feeling more like Spock or Commander Data, but I'm certainly not firing on any sort of emotional cylinders.

Thinking about it later, I realized that I'm doing the same thing in individual therapy, too. Now, admittedly, I've just started with my fourth individual therapist in less than six months, so it's not as though we've got a great relationship going yet, nor as though she can see anything like how alien this "me" is from the real me (whoever that is). I'm feeling so alienated from my emotions right now, I can't even really recognize it -- again, I was really shocked to hear my voice change so abruptly, when I was totally unaware of holding anything back in the first place. In individual therapy, on the other hand, I have been aware of holding back, but not sure what I am holding back -- I only know that there's something there that just doesn't want the light shining on it right now.

This emotional withdrawal scares me for a number of reasons. (Not least because something very much like this has preceded ever depressive crisis in my life, and is usually pretty apparent to me shortly before I get actively suicidal. Been there, bought the t-shirt, would just as soon not repeat that vacation.) I don't know what to do about it, how to combat it, especially in the dark about how to combat it with a brand new, no real relationship yet, unknown quality of individual therapist.

I won't ask if anyone has any thoughts, opinions, advice, etc; because I know that a lot of you have been in a similar place, and that most of you have some thoughts and will share them. I will ask that you accept my gratitude, though, for offering them to me. And my thanks for all that you offer here on a regular basis. You are truly a great bunch -- I"m so fortunate to be part of this community, because I can be sure of your support.

Thank you, and I'm looking forward to reading your responses.




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