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Re: Sad and disillusioned tabitha

Posted by fallsfall on July 2, 2004, at 6:44:21

In reply to Sad and disillusioned, posted by tabitha on July 2, 2004, at 0:02:45

>I'd worked so hard to get to a place of trusting them, and expecting acceptance from them, and I just felt really open in there, like it was safe to be me. Then I got blindsided by that woman, and felt so betrayed by my therapist over how she handled it.

Boy can I relate to this, Tabitha. This is where I am with my therapist right now. It is excruciating.

The fact that the group has brought up a central issue for you *is* a good thing. I think that I really do understand your frustration and fear. But, I also believe that you (and I) can learn from these situations. I'm not sure exactly how to do this, but this *IS* what therapy IS. I want so badly to hide from my issues (and I have been - almost silent sessions, 3 or 4 of them) - to protect myself. But that leaves me stuck. If I hide from my issues then I can't work on them. But if I talk about them I am in danger. At least my therapist seems to be understanding the depth of my fear (and seems to understand that I'm not "rebelling" or being difficult for sport).

It is hard to know how hard to push myself (so I do have sympathy for my therapist - if *I* don't know how hard to push, how is he supposed to know??).

You have shown tenacity and fortitude in the past. I know that it seems too dangerous to let this issue surface in group again. But this issue is not a new issue for you, and I would venture that you won't find a *safer* place in your lifetime to work on it. The way I see it for me is that I *have* to figure out how to work on my issue in therapy - that I *have* to negotiate the danger and the fear - or I will never resolve this issue. And my issue for me (like yours for you) causes immense pain.

OK, so I've decided that I *will* (somehow) talk about my issue. I have no idea how to do that. I guess I need to start with baby steps (but I'm so much better at "stopped" and "full speed ahead"). It may take me a while to figure out how to do this. At this point, I think I'm doing well to be on time for sessions and not bolt halfway through. Maybe that is my "baby step" for now. I can do that. So today I will bring in an IM I had with Daisy. Perhaps I can use words from a different time and place (last night with her instead of today with him) to take another baby step.

I guess I'm trying to say that I know that it is ... "hard" (I just looked in Merriam-Webster in the thesaurus for "hard" - adverb. How many of those meaning are applicable!!). Use this week to recoup, to give yourself a break. But don't give up.




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