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resuming after termination? please help (long)

Posted by steelmagnolia25 on July 1, 2004, at 20:18:16

Hi everyone,
I have only been lurking here for a few months but I already respect your opinions on many matters. I hope that some of you can help me through this situation.

I started seeing my T about 6 months ago after a series of family crises. I have been in therapy before for other reasons, but this time was very different. I learned over the months that he is actually quite brilliant and I grew very attached to him. He helped me work through a painful divorce situation as well as a criminal trial (I am the victim's mother); not real easy stuff. About 3 months ago I revealed to him that I feel strongly attracted to him and it was causing me some problems. I think he dealt with it quite well. He validated my feelings, we discussed a few things, and agreed to continue therapy. We went on to deal with my more urgent problems, but about a month ago we returned to the issue of my personal feelings. We spent 4-5 sessions delving into my thoughts and essentially we both agreed after some time that I am not merely experiencing transference. Although there is some transference in every relationship/attraction, we acknowleged that my feelings were based upon genuine attraction and respect. That made him uncomfortable. I know that he is a very ethical T; he quietly sets very strict boundaries. Never any touching, appearance compliments, momentos, etc. That being said, he is a warm and very sensitive person. Often he would cry during my sessions with him -- even tears of joy one time. I sensed that he also felt similarly attracted to me although he never went beyond telling me that he "takes [me] home with [him] after work." There was always a strong sexual tension in the room and at times we were reduced to simply staring at one another and saying nothing.

So the big problem is that last Monday we terminated. We agreed that my attraction to him, coupled with the unethical nature of an affair, now presented the biggest problem in my life. That being the case, he suggested that termination would be a good way to deal with it since we'd successfully resolved my other problems. I knew it was coming, but I was floored because I hadn't expected it so soon. Although he gave me the option to slowly ease out of therapy, I eventually decided (it turned into a 2 hour session) that I should simply stop that day. I felt that "easing out" would simply prolong the pain of losing the time spent with him. I now regret that. I wish I'd known it would be our last session so I could have planned something to say or do that would be a fitting end. Instead, our last moments together were spent simply crying and (for me) wishing I could say more of what I was thinking.

Morevoer, I have felt completely heartbroken since we terminated. I now think about him constantly and I keep replaying our last sessions over in my mind. I do not feel the happiness that someone should feel upon completing therapy. At the same time, I do not want to seek out another T. I would feel very uncomfortable discussing my feelings for this T, and I would be extremely reluctant to discuss my belief that he was also attracted to me. So if I can't be honest with a new T, I see no benefit in getting one.

I want very badly to contact him. I feel like I at least should be given the opportunity to terminate properly, whatever that means. But I also feel like an idiot. I cried my heart out that day thinking I'd never see him again. I wonder if I'm just indulging my desire to see him again or if I need a better termination experience? Or both? I have a legitimate reason to contact him (I'm challenging a parking ticket and he's my alibi) but I'm even afraid to do that.

Please babblers...what do you recommend?




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