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Re: I dropped the bomb on my doc (rant)

Posted by platinumbride on April 12, 2004, at 12:45:20

In reply to I dropped the bomb on my doc (long and scattered), posted by platinumbride on April 9, 2004, at 1:04:42

This is becoming too much.

He called me this afternoon and said in his super-calm and super-nice way "yeah, well,obviously I got your message, but I think this is something we should talk about face to face rather than on the phone".

How could I deny that he was right?

Actually, I WOULD have denied that he was right if I didn't still want him to manage my medication! And the problem is that there is only ONE psychiatrist in the area in which I live who is on my insurance plan! Amazing....a college-town, full of brilliant but crazy academics and PhD candidates,and there is only one pshychiatrist on the plan...

My stomach turned in fear as we made an appointment time...

And now, as I write, I am feeling kind of pissed! Why do I have to wait another 2 weeks in knots, wondering if he will manage my medication or not??? I could spend these two weeks trying to find a primary care doctor who might be willing to prescribe for me! (I'm new to this area...I have no relationship with any physician or therapist here...

I wish I didn't feel so guilty and out of control with all of this guilt - powerless in the face of his calmness.

I mean WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT???? Is the guy just waiting for me to go nuts on him about how I feel he is just totally inept with me? I can be pretty mean! Does he want to see me get bitchy and mean? Is he going to use this as a power play? Does he just want to see me feeling great discomfort? Will he use this as a swan song to say a bunch of things that will cut to the core of me?

Or does he just want to get it all straight face to face? It could be just that simple....

I mean I feel as if he is the last guest at my party and he just WILL NOT LEAVE!

I know I am saying all kinds of things here that, of course, no one really has any answers to.

I just thought it was nearly over, and now I am going to have to endure a long bus ride - feeling like I am having a panic attack - and I guess I am just afraid that he's going to take control and have me agreeing that we should continue psychotherapy and then KICKING MYSELF for agreeing to it!

Sorry for the rant,......thanks for listening.





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