Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Re: had therapy today it was so painful crushedout

Posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 7:59:29

In reply to Re: had therapy today it was so painful gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on April 6, 2004, at 23:49:52

Crushed,

You were very brave to talk to her about termination. I commend you on that.

You said: she thought I should stop if (a) I was having trouble feeling invested in the rest of my life (umm, yes) and/or (b) my feelings about her were making me feel so "dysregulated" that the only way I could cope with them was to cut (um, yes also).

So, in effect she is saying that based on HER criteria you should stop.

My situation 9 months ago had some similarities to yours. Perhaps you can learn from my experience.

I was in immense pain, and my old therapist was not dealing with that pain. I found out, at the end, that she did not have any clue of how much pain I was in for the last 4 months that I saw her. That was the final blow for me - she was not even aware of the most important thing in my life. When your therapist says that you need to work through a maternal transference - I am a little confused. I thought your transference was erotic. Aren't those different things? IS she aware of exactly what you are feeling? Or is she, like my old therapist was, seeing things in a different way than you are?

I saw her for 8 1/2 years - she was my first therapist. I believed that she and only she could understand me. I believed that I would die without her. I didn't start looking for a new therapist until I was suicidal - I decided that if I was going to take my own life if I stayed with her that perhaps seeing someone else couldn't be WORSE. My new therapist is very, very good. He understands me in a different way than she did, but I think that is a good thing. She and I were stuck in a groove. Changing therapists has allowed me to get out of that groove. I do feel very connected to my new therapist, and I think that we are making a lot of progress (on stuff that I never would have been able to work on with my old therapist). I do believe, now, that if something happened with my new therapist that I could find another therapist who could be very good for me (and yet different from either of my first two). I certainly did not believe this was possible while I was with my first therapist.

My old therapist brought my case to her supervision group. They said that if I was still as miserable in 3 months that she should terminate me. I agreed that if I went through another 3 months in that much pain that termination would be an appropriate thing. Please note that I had always envisioned "forever therapy". But even I knew that being in that much pain for 7 months couldn't be helping me. This started me thinking about the possibility of changing therapists, and suddenly there was some hope in my life.

I told her that I was going to look for a new therapist because I couldn't stand the pain any longer. She supported me in that, and said that I could see her until I was established with someone else. Later I found out that she thought I was leaving because "she had taught me everything she knew". We had completely different ideas about why I was leaving. This wasn't clear until a month after I told her I was leaving.

When I interviewed new therapists, I knew that I HAD to leave her. I think that was critical for me to be open to the interview process. I was surprised at how easily I could tell if I would have rapport with each candidate. After 8 1/2 years I knew what therapy was, and I had definate ideas of what I was looking for (some things I was looking for were things that my first therapist had, for some other things I was looking for something different). The interview process was not fun - but I knew that it was critically important.

When I was telling her about the interviews (I valued her opinion of who I should see - she knew me better than anyone else), that was when I found out that we had been on two different planets - that she didn't know I had been in pain, and that we had different ideas of why I was leaving. That was the last time I saw her. I figured that if she were that out of touch with me that she couldn't do me any good - and it broke my heart that she WAS out of touch with me.

I started with a new therapist, and after about 3 weeks he agreed with me that a "goodbye session" with her would not be constructive. What a relief. I didn't have to face her and tell her how much she had let me down. It has been 9 months now, and my pdoc's office is across the hall from her's. I see him today, and because of the timing of my appointment I may see her for the first time since that last session. I'm terrified.

So, with this long story (which I think I have told you in some sense before) I am hoping that you will see a couple of things that were true for me, and may well be true for you. First, just because I thought that she understood what was going on with me did not mean that she necessarily did. Second, no matter how strongly I felt that I couldn't live without her, I really can. Third, changing therapists has had really beneficial outcomes. Fourth, I had enough experience to identify and choose an appropriate new therapist. Fifth, a new therapist can make me feel as understood as my old one did (though perhaps in a different way). Sixth, the process was completely terrifying, but I did live through it.

YOU know best what you need.

P.S. I feel like I've told this story 17 million times. When you guys get tired of hearing it, please do me the favor of telling me so.

 

Thread

 

Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post


Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.

 

Start a new thread

 
Google
dr-bob.org www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for
in

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:fallsfall thread:332291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/333635.html