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feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 20:21:16

Still no call from pdoc (who has does therapy with me 1x a month and used to see my every day during severe episode of D).

To review, I had to reschedule, left two msgs in about 10 days timespan that I had to resched, no call back, called a few days later, got him in person in his office he said he would call back (that was 11 days ago). Sent a note with check reminding him about need to reschedule, he probably got that Thursday I am guessing.

Still no call back.

Maybe he is on vacation, I know it is spring break period for schools (he has kids). I remember him saying he wouldn't be around Easter wknd, that makes sense.

But does that mean he is not around at all this week either? Or last week? But he was around when I called about

Did my check bounce? (No chance.) Is he mad at my for something I said that I can't remember? Is he sick in the hospital? Did someone in his family die? Is he going through a divorce? Did he have a nervous breakdown himself? Is he mad at the other person I referred whom he occasionally sees and he is taking it out on me? Does he know I have abandonment issues and this is his way of trying to bring them out even further as part of some sick study? Is he hoping I will forget that he is my doctor? Is this his way of terminating me?

Does he have every intention of calling back to reschedule, just keeps forgetting out of absent-mindedness? Did he reschedule me in another slot and forgot to tell ME this information? Am I just such a speck, such a tiny little insignificant dust mote of a person that I simply do not register? Is it me, is this normal not to return calls about scheduling for a long time and I am oversensitive? I know I cannot treat customers that way at my job. Is he dead?

I do not know, and he does not care that I do not know, that I am wondering, worrying. He does not care. He does not put two and two together that his behavior is bringing out the male abandonment issues that he is well aware of, which we have discussed.

Ok, I rented a funny movie, I am going to watch the funny movie now.

I could call his billing person during her hours and ask her if she can at least confirm if he is alive or dead. It has come to that.

Or he does care and there is some rational explanation...what if he is sick? He is middle aged, what if he had a heart attack or something? But he seems healthy, normal weight, doesn't smoke.

But when you think men are sick or something happened to make them not call, usually they are just blowing you off because they don't care.

But I pay him to care for me, he is a caregiver, and he used to care, two years of caring and now he doesn't, what did I do wrong? Why the silence? I am confused and humiliated.

Did I do something wrong am I in trouble I don't understand? Is he mad at me? Why is he shunning me, what did I do wrong?

I feel sad, why did I do wrong.

Ok, cannot let this get me depressed, he is supposed to help me with my depression not trigger it, cannot get depressed.

When I imagine myself calling him and saying I am changing doctors because I feel like he is terminating me without telling me, I feel sick that I would throw it all away. But I feel like he is throwing me away too. Or does he think that this is a normal professional way to behave? Is he punishing me in some subconscious way for changing the appointment?

I am so confused. Ok, end of rant.




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