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Re: I think what I've decided to do...

Posted by KindGirl on April 4, 2004, at 0:30:54

In reply to I think what I've decided to do..., posted by mair on April 3, 2004, at 17:10:12

Hi Mair,
I was on vacation and just got back and saw your thread, I have not read any of the responses, so forgive me if any of this has been said to you before.

First of all..........OH MY GOSH! I was smiling (in a good way) when I read what you wrote because I did the same thing with a topic I was so worried about and it sucks so bad. I smiled because I could relate to your agony and how awful it is to back ourselves into is wretched!!! And you are right, the longer it goes on, the worse it gets.

Can you write it to her in a note? A letter that goes in the mail, not email? In the letter can you preface it with "this is very hard for me to tell you but..." and end it with, "please don't talk to me about this...." ????

Also, I did this so many times (backed myself into corners) and I am thinking of a gift I made for her at Christmas. I sang two songs on a tape, and I knew that when I gave them to her I would say something stupid like "these are just stupid songs I sang" or maybe I wouldn't give them to her at all. In any case, I knew that face to face I would not be able to handle it. So, I called her the morning of my appt and left her a message on her machine...I said, "I am going to give you something today and I will minimize it, but I want you to know it is really a big deal. What I am going to give you will be very hard for me to give you and to share with you, even if I downplay it or joke about it.".....and then in the session I gave her the gifts and said about that one, "this is the one I called you about." And she said, "Yes, I got your message and I am so grateful you called and I am even more grateful you are sharing this wonderful gift with me." And that was really great to hear.

I was a music major in college, have almost my master's in voice/education, and my entire life my mother has ridiculed my singing. She makes fun of the way I look when I sing, or the way my legs were shaking on the stage because I was nervous...blah blah blah....she has always made fun of me pretty much. Even though I got full scholarships in music my confidence is very low. I have never really sung solo for anyone and I wanted to for my t....I wanted to sing a song I wrote for her (I did on the tape) and it was a huge gamble for me to share my singing with her. She could have made fun of me, but of course she didn't. Even now I feel ridiculous for giving her the tape (I think, well now she has a spare audio cassette to tape over on if she needs one) and it is just so hard. So, so hard.

Also, another technique I did was blurt out this really huge thing that I had been skirting around but played it off as a new subject and she didn't know it was THE subject I was avoiding so long and talked so much about. I just blurted it out (well, I read my journal to her, that way I didn't have to make eye contact)....and so it was out there. I was the only one who knew this was so huge. She didn't know because she asked about the other subject and I avoided it like I always do!!!!

Like you said, she reacted in a WONDERFUL way...not like I feared...and I am sure your t would do the same. He/she really does care and really does want to help you and if you run away it will never get seen and heard and healed. You are very courageous and an inspiration to me, so don't quit!!!! You can do it!!!!

Keep in touch....




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