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I exasperate my T (and then some rambling)

Posted by crushedout on April 1, 2004, at 19:16:59

I dissociated *again* today. She admitted what I had felt: that she found it exasperating and frustrating. She said it made her feel helpless and isolated, and that it felt punishing, whether I meant it to be or not.

She also said (later on, trying to cheer me up, I guess) that although I was definitely a challenge for her, she "enjoy[s] -- no -- *appreciate[s]* the challenge."

I cried again just at the end of the session, after dissociating the whole time. (I don't *want* to dissociate! I swear! I hate it. I live to be in therapy, and then when I get there, I'm not even there. It's *extremely* frustrating for me.)

Now, the rambling: I've been having a lot of self-destructive thoughts. I just want so desperately to cuddle with my T. I wish I could tell her this but I'm embarrassed. It's like, if I can't cuddle with her, I don't want to live. I just keep thinking that. And I've been stuck in this thought process, which just keeps getting more intense, for over a year. It's really tedious and painful and difficult. I don't believe it will ever end. I'm even dating other people but I just can't stop thinking about her. I permanently imprinted on her.




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