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I'm F.I.N.E. -caution, feeling sorry for self/long

Posted by DaisyM on March 31, 2004, at 20:16:01

In reply to Daisy - HOW are you?, posted by All Done on March 31, 2004, at 0:42:03

FINE: freaked-out, insecure, neurotic and emotional...

I'm struggling everyday to stay near the top of the big black hole that threatens to swallow me up. I actually couldn't/didn't work for several days in a row, which NEVER happens with me. Now THAT freaked out my Therapist. He has had me in 7 times in the last 10 days.

There is this huge hole in my soul, because I found out I absolutely can't have something I didn't even know I wanted so badly until it was clear it wasn't ever going to happen. Which calls out the really needy little kid in me, who wants to cling to "our" Therapist desperately. He says that's fine, he thinks I need to right now. I tell him I'm worried it is overload on him and he turns around and "invites" me to come in again. "I want you to face your fears of being a burden," he tells me. He also says I need to be there, in a safe place, to process all the upheaval. And he tells me in his most gentle voice that he's not going anywhere and it is OK to cry.

I apologized today for the nearly 2 (3?) weeks of crisis... and told him how much I hate being a basket case. I sometimes don't think I'll live through the "sorting out" of it all...I never thought such old pain could be so intense.

Maybe if I could sleep without all these weird dreams and flashbacks. It is like being in the middle of the abuse again. I questioned again today the value in telling the details, in remembering how it felt. My Therapist says that is just stuff that needs to come out, in bits and piece or in whole memories, that talking about it as much as I can will help to integrate things and by doing it with him will help me learn that I'm not alone this time.

Work is stressful, it is the end of the quarter and all the reports and I swear every woman here is PMSing at the same time. I usually work 60+ hours a week so imagine how far behind I am by hiding for a few days. And worse, my staff is worried about me and want to know what is going on and how they can help. They are such good-hearted people. They are assuming that my hubby is really sick again...

Which might be true. The topper in the past few weeks is that my hubby had a CT scan today, because they "suspect" yet another problem. Like we need something else...

*sigh* OK, I'll stop. But you asked...:(

I don't know what I'd do without you guys right now. Posting and helping other people gets me out of my own head and problems. Today is a really hard day, I think because I'm tired and because therapy was excruciating. And yes, he "invited" me back tomorrow.

It's nice to be cared about.




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