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Re: Why do they do this to me?

Posted by Pandabear on February 17, 2004, at 17:38:13

In reply to Re: Why do they do this to me?, posted by gardenergirl on February 13, 2004, at 7:26:39

Alrighty, I need more help and advice. My issue is that my psychiatrist had set a boundary with me and wanted to see if I could go without talking to my therapist via phone. I did well and didnt talk to her all week until my appt yesterday, but today is another story. Yesterday after my session, I was thinking about everything and I got upset with my therapist and wanted to tell her. So I ended up writing her a letter and taking it to her today during my lunch break. Im not even supposed to be sending her letters according to my psychiatrist..YET, she also said that if I DID happen to call or write her not worry that I did that because THAT is what they would be trying to figure out..why i feel like I have to write or call her. And, she told me not to feel like a failure if I messed up. BUT, while I was talking to my therapist about my meeting yesterday, she said it was obvious to her that a boundary was set...and now im obsessing over the fact that i wrote her a letter.

The way I look at it is, I have a therapist, I dont call for stupid reasons, she told me she is here for me and that I can call or whatever. Yet, now there is a boundary set and so NOW i feel as if I cannot talk to my therapist even though she is supposedly there for me! My letter consisted of my telling her that I feel like she and my psychiatrist are against me. They work in the same office and after my sessions they always converse with one another. I feel like they are watching my every move and that I cannot mess up at all. I feel like Im being treated like I am crazy. I also told her I didnt feel like she was on my side right now and even though she has told me she doesnt judge or take sides...I still feel like she is not on my side. I have started taking Lamictal for my mood disorder and seroquel for sleeping and my obsessions and anxiety. YET, i dont really have trouble sleeping so Im not very excited about it putting me to sleep when Im not ready to go to sleep :) But whatever. Im just worried as to what she is thinking about my letter. I live right accross the street from her office and as I was walking my dog I saw my psychiatrist leave...she usually leaves around 2 and so I immediately started thinking that she had been meeting with my therapist..(which might have been the case) but I didnt really know. I just dont want them thinking that I have gone too far and that I am a lost cause. It is so hard for me because my dad is a doctor and they know him..(my psychiatrist knows him) and the fact that I am his daughter and I have all these obsessive issues embarresses the crud out of me. And, I think it also embarresses my dad somewhat because he cannot really do anything to help me. I dont want my psychiatrist thinking 'goodness she is so and sos daughter and she is sooo obsessed' Im sure she wouldnt just obsessing!!!! I need to be able to talk to my what if I am obsessive...I just dont want to upset her or frustrate her and I dont know if I have. I want to know what she is thinking about me. My obsessing with having to talk to her is VERY SIMILIAR to my obsessing with this old friend of mine and he ended up putting a boundary on me for how many times I called him and now my psychiatrist has done the same thing. When my friend did this, it made me MORE OBSESSIVE...and I see this happening with my therapist and I am really scared. Im so ashamed of who I am. I told her in the letter that I can become very obsessive as far as the writing of letters goes and I dont want her and my psychiatrist to see this...but yet, it is happening and I cannot stop..and now I feel like Im going crazy. I literally felt so crazy when this first started happening 2 years ago and yet I was too sick to go to therapy and NOW that i am becoming obsessive again, I am wanting to back away and stop talking to her because I am scared that they will think I am crazy and put me in the hospital or something......:( I dont know what to do. I am very worried but I needed to tell her how I she will be discussing the letter at our next session...woohoo :( I feel like im always asking for anxiety ridden situations yet Im really NOT ...I just cannot stop obsessing and I dont want them to see me like this....:( What can I do...Im so lost.




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